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Someday you'll understand
Posted:May 24, 2019 5:34 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2019 2:15 am
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Someday I'd like to go to a Harlem Globetrotters game and shout the referees the whole time. And not in a fun way, in a the way people shout referees real games.

Traveling! Traveling! Come on ref, he's got the ball on a string! Are you fucking blind! gonna your family!!!

And if anyone tells to calm down I'll say "I got 50 grand on this game !"

Someday when in a public restroom and there's a guy in the stall really going to town making all kinds of noises I want to shout "Yeah buddy! Let 'er rip! You show 'em who's boss!"

Someday I'd like to put on a judge costume and go into a courtroom to watch a trial and see if anyone says anything.

Someday I'd like to answer the phone and say "You're going to have to speak up, naked right now."

Someday I'd like to visit the alternate universe were everyone is Jennifer Connolly and see what society is like. If everyone had an identical IQ what would the world like? More advanced? Less? Would there be some kind of prejudice still? Would there be art? Theater? How would they tell each other apart? By smell like penguins?

Someday I'd like to write a memoir of a famous celebrity that is 0% made up. I know people do that but they pretend that it's not made up. Why doesn't someone write a saying that Chole Kardashian created Star Trek?

Someday I'd like to create a youtube channel where I try to remember and explain episodes of Friends based only on the title.

Someday I'd like to spend an insane of time and creating a model of Tatootine.

Someday I want a house were the sump pump doesn't run all the god damn time.

Someday I'll die and probably that's it, but it could be interesting if it wasn't.

Someday I'll go into work and everyone will be wearing a creepy mask but me and I won't say anything because why would I? Either I've gone insane and m hallucinated or some really spooky shit is going down - either way mentioning it is a bad idea.

Someday I'll have to answer for what I've done

Someday I won't like the things I like now anymore.

Someday I'll regret buying all this crap.

Someday I'll go swimming and I think "why don't I do this more?" and then I'll see all the non-fat, non-pale, non-bad skin people and I'll remember.

Someday you'll thank me
1 comment
They are not coincidences, just random events
Posted:May 22, 2019 5:39 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2019 5:10 pm
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Chad is one of the poorest and most corrupt countries in the world

Today someone said "you cook right?" and I said "yeah, sometimes" and they asked "how long do you boil water?" This lead to an even unfunnier "who's on first type bit" where I asked them what they meant and they said they wanted to know how long to boil water. Eventually I figured out they were asking me how long to cook pasta. I love to judge people in general but I don't like to judge people to not being able to articulate themselves well since I have that issue myself - but come on.

Also if you have pasta you have a box that tells you specifically how long to cook it. Unless you're getting loose pasta somewhere. And if you're buying loose pasta I think you need to examine what you're doing.

"40 at the farmer's market-"

Zip your lid, I don't want to hear it.

On May 11th 1991 the Star Trek Episode "the Host" aired. It was the 23rd episode of the 4th season. The number one song was "Joyride" by Roxette. Thelma and Louise was #1 at the box office. The Novel by James Michener was a best selling book.

This episode introduces the Trill race which later would be featured prominently in Deep Space Nine. The Trill are worms that live in a pile of goo and they have these other people (are they also Trill ? I think that's just the worm) that think it's cool to have a worm live in them so if you win the Olympics on Trillworld and are super smart and have nice cans you win the honor of having a worm live inside you.

It's never made exactly clear how this works. Sometimes it seems like the worm takes over and the person is gone, sometimes it seems like they're somehow both in charge. It's sci-fi so nothing is really explained. Interesting side note in fantasy they often explain things that make no sense because it's magic in crazy detail, whereas in science fiction which is supposed to be grounded in reality they often don't even both and just essentially use science as magic.

Anyway so one of these worm-people comes aboard and Beverly falls in love with him - real quick. But he gets kicked in the dick so hard he dies - the body, the worm is fine. But it needs a new body - they can't live outside the goo without a body to infest. So they put the worm in Riker.

And Riker is all like "hey Beverly I'm the worm guy lets bone !" which implies that Riker is gone I guess? But that doesn't seem to be how it works later in DS9 when the lady from Becker loses her worm. Anyway Beverly is freaked out because Riker is her best friend and it would be weird. And the worm is like "I' not really Riker, I'm the guy you were already boning!"

Eventually Beverly gets over it and they bone.

So then the new host body shows up from Trillworld and they stick the worm in there. And Beverly is pumped but then she finds out that the her host body is a lady!

She can't deal so she tells worm-lady to hit the bricks.

When I saw this I was like "Boo, if you're in love just get over it and be super gay". But then I wondered if my girlfriend showed up tomorrow and was a dude would I be okay with that? And the answer is of course not, because I'm not gay. So why was I expecting this fictional character from a TV show in 1991 to be cool with it?

There's definitely some kind of notion out there that for a woman that's not as big of a deal. I don't know if that comes from porn or what. Maybe it has to do with an association between homosexuality and femininity? I don't know but I think it exists, I don't think it's just me.

Anyway that was my own personal prejudice that I discovered today. The fun part about being alive is there always new things to learn and dislike about yourself.

I've been told there's a test that will tell you how racist you are. Pretty sure I don't want to know that.

What horrible thing have you learned about yourself recently?
3 Comments
Surfs up space ponies, I'm making gravy without the lumps!
Posted:May 19, 2019 8:02 am
Last Updated:May 22, 2019 5:13 pm
624 Views
In the episode of the Office "Phyllis's Wedding" very briefly you see Toby's date to the titular wedding. I was curious who this very attractive lady is so I scoured the internet and discovered two things . One that no one knows who she is and two that a lot of people really want to know who she is. Even in this day and age there are still mysteries.

Later in the show when it wasn't good anymore the Toby character was turned into an annoying sad-sack, but this was still the good years of the show when the joke was that outside of Dunder Mifflin Toby's life was pretty good and it was only there due to Micheal's insane hatred that he had issues.

I found out that what I'm doing on my other blog is called "flash fiction". Another name for it is "dribble" which I prefer because it sounds like drivel and dribble just sounds gross on its own anyway.

There's a lot of talk these days about how people identify. I've thought a lot about it and I have decided. I may be a 41 year old chunk-monster with a slightly lazy eye but I am going to identify as sexy lady wearing cut off shorts, a bikini top, one fingerless glove carrying a film reel canister.



This is me now. If you say it isn't you are not woke as fuck.

Sometimes when I joke about how people identify it seems wrong. But then again I also kind of feel like that's a sign that things are okay. Such as not that long ago you couldn't really joke about someone being gay because you know there was awful discrimination, but now there's just a little discrimination (probably not true and saying that makes me an asshole) so it seems okay to make a few jokes.

We all agree that the US legal system is broken and accomplishes nothing and anyone involved with it is awful but that doesn't mean that it can't be fixed.

What I'm thinking is that we adopt a system of trial by spider. We'll call up Rick Morranis and get that machine he built from Honey I Shrunk the Kids - it's a little known fact he actually made such a device after filming that movie - and when someone is accused of a crime we'll shrink them down and have them fight a spider live on TBS. If they die obviously the situation is resolved, if they win they're free.

Now , and this is important, trial by spider does NOT decide if the person is guilty or not - because that's impossible - it merely decides if that person is punished.

You see that's the real issue with most legal systems - they're premised on figuring out if the person did something bad or not. That's too hard. Just decided if they should be punished.

I'm also considering trial by stone - which is not what you think.

'The right to privacy is a personal and fundamental right protected by the United States Constitution.' This is the first line in MANY state data privacy laws. But is it true?

Although the Constitution does not explicitly include the right to privacy, the Supreme Court has found that the Constitution implicitly grants a right to privacy against governmental intrusion from the First Amendment, Third Amendment, Fourth Amendment, and the Fifth Amendment.

So I guess it's kind of true?

I'm not quite sure what the 1st amendment means from a privacy perspective - I guess that you're allowed to keep your religion private. Or maybe it's about anonymous free speech? Not sure.

The third amendment makes some sense - your home is private in the sense that soldiers can't come in there and just make themselves at home. But that's somewhat tenuous if you ask me, seems more like a property rights thing.

The 4th amendment seems mostly clear - the stuff you have is private. Mostly.

The 5th amendment is clearly about privacy, although I often forget there's a lot of other stuff in there beyond the right to not incriminate yourself. Some of the amendments are a real hodgepodge.

But all of these things are about privacy from the government. I don't see that the Constitution gives us a right to privacy from other people or most importantly from all knowing, all seeing , all powerful corporate megalords.

However I don't know why it matters. If a state wants people to have privacy why do they need to invoke the Constitution? They can pass whatever laws they want - kind of. What's to be gained by bringing the Constitution into it?

I remember reading one time that the US Constitution is the best Constitution because it has the least amendments. Which seems like a weird argument. And also something that is 100% American. I wonder what happened to make this country obsessed with claiming to be the best all time. If America was a person no one would be friends with it - can you imagine someone who just talks about how great they are constantly?

If countries were people what country would be your best friend and why?
1 comment
I want attention! Look at me! Woooo!
Posted:May 18, 2019 9:28 am
Last Updated:May 22, 2019 5:15 pm
589 Views

Bad news people. Keeping wasps in my attic (you know for sale to BDSM people) was getting to be a real hassle so I moved them to Double D's house and she's starting to catch on.

Some lady (and by lady I mean scambot) just sent me a message saying that she "loves" my dad bod. This is an outrage. Dad bod? DAD BOD? How dare she (and by she I mean a python script)? I can now say that I look like Thor though - you know in Endgame. SPOILER ALERT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thor is fat now!

At first I thought that someone has misspelled soldier when they type sodlier but then I realized that they must be talking about a trained and knowledgeable sod professional, normally working in fine home and garden store, who specializes in all aspects of sod service as well as sod and plant pairing.

How hard do you think it would be to convince people that there's a thing called Pasta Fleas - which aren't true fleas but are small insects that get in your pasta if you leave it in your cupboard for too long.

I was raised to believe that the worst thing can do is desire attention. If you've accomplished something you keep your mouth shut about it - no one likes a boaster. Wanting people to like you? Wanting recognition? Pure vanity. And of course pride is the worst of the 7 deadly sins. People often misquote the bible as saying that pride goes before a fall but of course we all know that what it really says is 'Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall'.

Note to self - purchase the domain name Hottie Spirit.

Sometimes people tell me that wanting attention is natural and I say to them that it's also natural to want to fling feces at people you don't like - something being natural doesn't make it good. That's the whole reason we created society. Well that and the systematic subjugation of women. And to facilitate bridge-building. It's real hard to build a bridge in a pre-civilized state of nature. Unless a tree falls over a river. Which isn't really building.

My sister, who was coincidentally raised by the same people as me, has real issues with her husband (or my brother in law if you prefer) because he comes from a background where you should have trophy cases and put certificates up on the wall and make a big deal out of stuff like that. She always wins though because she's the wife.

It's interesting to me that supposedly out there there are marriages where the husband is in charge, I've never see anything like that. I wonder if that's a class thing. Maybe middle class types are all pussywhipped beta cucks. I know I am.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh right, Venice. Sometime around 810 the folks in Venice came up with a rudimentary joint stock trade company that allowed people with money and people who wanted to do stuff to get together and do stuff. This resulted in massive economic growth for Venice because inclusion is the key to making gobs and gobs of money. For the next couple hundred years Venice because king shit of fuck mountain. And yet today Venice is basically just a tourist trap - more of less the equivalent to the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota.

How did this happen? They figured out a way to include more people which made them more powerful, which resulted in them creating a proto-democracy of sorts - which quickly degenerated into a bunch of rich assholes reversing everything that allowed them to become rich in the first place. Because they were worried about other people becoming rich and taking away their power.

It's an interesting conundrum for a nation - the only way to succeed overall is for individuals to sow the seeds of their own replacement.

It's like when you talk your GF into anal and then she loves it and is getting slammed in the ass all over town.

So Venice did a thing that made them awesome and then people were worried about not being awesome so they undid all those things and as a consequence their awesomeness went away.

Seems like there should be a lesson in there but there isn't.

Other than that anal should be left to the professionals.
4 Comments
A dream realized
Posted:May 16, 2019 6:02 pm
Last Updated:May 19, 2019 7:25 am
842 Views

I become fully aware of (something) as a fact today - the dream of Dr. King has become reality. Not in the way he envisioned probably, but these things seldom happen the way we think they will.

You see after more than a year my "new" job I have finally gotten an arch-enemy. She works in legal and she makes SO much and every second she has to waste talking to piece of garbage like the company THOUSANDS of !!! I was complaining about said arch-nemesis to Double D like the bitch that I am and she started cyber-stalking her and sending me pictures from her social media. And I thought "wow she looks much better in these pictures than she does IRL".

And that's when it , it no longer matters what we like, all that matters is how you can make yourself online. With the right filters and photoshopping you can be judged based on that rather than by what you really like. It's progress of a sort.

It's kind of like when they first invented TV and thought it would be a great tool for teaching - it didn't quite turn that way but it did change things.

In mildly related news on 's Day my mom asked what catfishing is. It was the highlight of an otherwise crummy day.

I like Parks and Rec, the TV not the real thing - I hate that - and now that's its on various channels pretty much 247365 I watch bits and pieces of it often. The other day I saw an episode where Rashida Jones character, Ann, was wearing an outfit that was completely see through. It wasn't even a bit or part of a plot or anything, it was just wardrobe apropos of nothing. I never noticed that before. And I was REALLY looking.

mildly ashamed to admit that I loved the first few episodes of Angie Tribecca but the last season sucked a dick. And not in a good way. I assume it got cancelled.

People have often asked me about the origin of my "name" 40deuce and I have given a variety of explanations - all plausible for someone of my ilk - but the real reason is that I planned on blogging on this site until I was 42 and then quitting forever in a overly dramatic fashion.

People making a big deal about quitting their blog amuses me, since much in the way same way wrestlers "retiring" usually last about three weeks they usually come back pretty quickly.

Anyway the point is in 3 months I am going to quit this site FOREVER and NEVER come back!!! Never, ever, never.

Did you know that Peggy Lipton was Rashida Jones' mom? I didn't.

On a postcast Bill Hader said that if someone traveled back in time and killed him the only thing that would be different is that Rain Wilson would be on Barry . I thought that was pretty funny.

The state auditors have been onsite talking to me and my ilk at work at lot and during a conversation with the CEO the main auditor dude was talking about how much he admired her because she was putting her ass on the line and he had chosen a career path where he was safe in the sidelines.

It's always jarring to me when I realize/remember/am confronted with the fact that some people, maybe most. have chosen the life they're living. I have had no goals or ambition or plans. I have the job I have and every job I've had because it was a job that I could get. I've never gone after anything.

Does that make me a loser? If you were driving by in your Trans-Am and you saw me walking along the sidewalk would you throw a beer can at my head and shout "NERD !!!"? And would you get away with it because your dad owns a car dealership and my dad is just a postman?

morituri te salutant
4 Comments
Crouching like a lioness over a cheese-grater
Posted:May 8, 2019 5:51 pm
Last Updated:May 16, 2019 5:40 pm
1726 Views

I don't mean to brag but I very rarely spill anything. But when I do I get SO angry. I just spilled a thimbleful of Cherry Coke Zero and if there was a button I could press that would all life in the universe there's a split second after I spill where I would hammer that button.

a pretty even-tempered fellow (passionless and bland some would say) so the rare moments when I feel real anger, and I mean REAL anger not someone cheeses you off work anger, I don't like it all.

Did you know that tiny chick with the big rack from the Big Bang Theory is super gay? I didn't? On a scale of one to how offensive is it that when I learned this I thought "Man , as being gay becomes more acceptable to the general public there's certainly a lot more attractive lesbians". Like a probably?

A classic sitcom trope is the woman (wife usually) withholding sex to get her way.

Lesbians in fiction never withhold sex from each other, either because they understand each other well enough that this is unnecessary, or because women don't want sex and you can't withhold what you aren't having in the first place, or because doing so would trigger the collapse of the internet.

And men, of course, are incapable of withholding sex (which is why withholding sex from them is so effective), so they can't try this on their women. Plus, as noted earlier, women don't even want sex in the first place, so it wouldn't work on them anyway.

Well, except on cable, where the standards of drama have caught up to those of porn.

As you all know I am SICK TO DEATH of all the step-mom bullshit plaguing the porn industry these days. And much to my disgust I came across this -

(This is in reference to the Numenoreans taking over and colonizing the lands of the Womaw during the first Age)

'Womas Drus appeared resigned to the outside domination of the Numenoreans and many of the Womaw Hiona had disclaimed their allegiance to the Highlord. Proud and desperate Komul sought help elsewhere and turned to his age-old ally Dardarian.

Daradian met Komul at the Isle of Sunrise, at the easternmost point of in the Middle Lands. There, the elf-queen seduced her stepson using her exceptional beauty and charm."

GAH , even in Lord of the Rings I can't get away from this stepmom humping !!! Now I know that the First Acknowledgement was based on gross sex. And I can't un-know it.

JRR Tolkien. Maybe I should re-read the Game of the Thrones books, nothing unsavory happens there.

Now that I think about it there seems to be a strong streak of fantasy authors who include freaky shit like that in their books.

Hmm . . . .
7 Comments
A chicken in every pot and a toad in every hole
Posted:May 4, 2019 10:04 am
Last Updated:May 8, 2019 5:34 pm
1627 Views

Toad in the hole is a British dish featuring sausages baked in a thick batter. If you know what I mean. It's traditionally served with rump steak. If you know what I mean.

Most women love a British accent. A few women hate it. I've never met a woman who had no opinion one way or the other. I suppose that's because Britain is the father of America. The point is if you like a British accent you're one of those gross women who calls their lover "daddy" .

New movie idea - a super macho chauvinist type dude gets into a melee with a serial killer wielding a butcher's cleaver (as a opposed to another kind of cleaver). He survives but he needs a blood transfusion on account of his horrible injuries. After the surgery he says "Yo Doc, who's blood did I get someone's sweet like Marc Cuban or Mark Walhberg?" and the doctor says "Just an anonymous female donor". RECORD SCRATCH !!! Now he's full of lady blood and starts acting all lady-ish and has feelings. He falls in love with one of his bros and they make sweet, sweet love all night. Then the serial killer is back! He kills his bro-lover and there's a deadly struggle.

I call it the Bloodening of Bloody McBloodo Blood Blood Blood. This movie will make 57 million dollars, mostly overseas.

Instead of just whining like a bitch about not reading much anymore I decided to do something about it. Even though I'm SO busy ALL the time there's always half an hour in most days where's I'm just rambling around not really doing anything. I'm making an effort to use that time to read.

I'm getting back into the book Why Nations Fail. I like it but like many of these scholarly type books I read the point is made in the first 50 pages and then they just keep making the same point over and over again. Which I understand is how these books work, they're try to show examples of their theory, but it's a bit of a slog for someone of my ilk.

Anyway, there was an interesting diversion where the author present the idea that we owe all our current freedoms to the Black Plague. How's that you ask? I'll tell you.

The theory is that humans have pretty much been setting up violent military dictatorships since we first starting doing stuff. Which in and of itself is kind of a sad commentary. Anyway so we were going along with these pyramid scheme type deals until the Black Death hit Europe and killed half the people around.

So suddenly half the pyramid base was gone, which meant the top pyramid people were suddenly half as wealthy. And they didn't like that at all. So one enterprising authoritarian jerk went to the peasants of some other top of the pyramid person and said "hey come peasant for me" and they said "why, it doesn't matter to use who steals all our shit" and he said "well come peasant for me and I'll steal 10% less of your shit" and they took that deal because why wouldn't the?

And then some other dude was like "Hey, come peasant for me and I'll steal 20% less of your shit" and it turned into an arms race of trying to get people to come be your peasants - it was a fine line of giving them SOME freedoms and still making yourself super rich. But it resulted in the most "progressive" feudal assholes getting more powerful while the worst ones (in terms of social progress) had their power eroded.

This eventually lead to common people thinking "hey, maybe we should have some rights and aren't disposable garbage". And here's the interesting twist, this happened in Western Europe and not Eastern Europe because Eastern Europe was more developed, they were more culturally advanced so they had more tools to wail on the peasants and keep them in line. Western Europe was less developed so they had less ability to exert control. Britain was the weakest nation and the time which mean poor people were able to get the most power which in turn meant they became the most powerful because the more people that have "skin in the game" the more dynamic and cool you become.

Before that Spain was the best because they were the best and oppressing the people at the bottom, but once that structure cracked that same idea made them the worst.

So take a moment today and thank the Black Death and the fleas that carried it for bringing us the freedoms we love so dearly today.
3 Comments
Bare Ass in a Jimmy John's Parking Lot
Posted:May 3, 2019 5:24 pm
Last Updated:May 4, 2019 9:43 am
1639 Views

The big bossman of my office is really into motivation. Which, as you may have gathered, I am not. I find it hard to believe that anyone is, but willing to accept that I could be totally wrong and I just think that because it's not what I understand. I don't really trust anything he says because it's pretty clear that he's saying what he's saying to elicit something in specific. People tend to tune when I talk about motivation being manipulation but that's what it is.

Anyway he dragged to lunch the other day to talk about how he feels like he can't "get through" to (join the club am I right ladies ? ) and what he should do as a leader to make feel valued. I said " good" but as usual that wasn't an acceptable answer. He told to read about the 5 languages of appreciation in the workplace. So I did. Ridiculous.

#1 - Words of Affirmation

They say talk is cheap. This is incorrect. Talk is worthless. I remember at my old job when they decided that every manager needed to say "good job" to every employee every week. So my cokehead boss every Tuesday at 9 AM would walk around the entire office saying "good job, good job, good job, etc." It would be so sad if anyone actually felt good about that. One time I blogged about how compliments were invented to trick people into doing your bidding. I don't really believe that, but I don't exactly not believe it either.

How percent of compliments do you think are sincere? %?

#2 - Quality Time

Pukatronic. I want to hang with my boss and/or co-workers about as much as I want to fall off a ladder and break my foot in three places. I don't understand why people into this corporate propaganda about how work should be fun, I don't want to play ping-pong at work or jack around playing grab ass, I want to do my work and get the hell out of there ASAP. This whole thing about erasing the psychological difference between work and home life is one of the more insidious scams being perpetrated presently. People complain about work-life balance but then they spend half their time and work doing jackshit, so of course they have to come in on the weekend.

#3 Acts of

Poppycock. My current job is a workplace based on relationships and I despise that. I shouldn't have to be your buddy to get your help, you should do your damn job no matter who is asking. There's a lady in the legal department who's guts I hate, I hope her vagina turns inside and gets infected, but when she asks for help I give it to her because that's why I get . These people who only do stuff for their friends work are garbage people who should be fired. of a cannon.

#4 - Tangible gifts

I guess?

#5 - Touching

WHOA ! In THIS climate! The article I read was quick to point that this does not mean fondling buttocks or motorboating but a literal pat on the back? A fist bump? I ? I would be mortified. As you all know a lady tried to hug work once and I judo threw her to the ground. Touchy people are the worst. Back off lady, your knee is touching MY knee, there is NO reason you need to sit this close to . Even Big Boobs I told to step off, habitual close talker that she was. If anyone ever tries to whisper in your ear at work you the cops.

He asked what motivates . What motivates is not starving to death in the gutter because I have no . You're not involved pal. I'l worry about , you worry about you.

One time a lady asked me if I had ever had a finger in my ass for the purposes of sexual pleasure and I said "yes" and she said " how was it" and I shrugged and said "meh" .

There's a new scam going around where people are making up dog breeds so they can bilk people out of . They get some mutt from the pound and put it online as a purebred Yellow Star Meckrelhound and people 2 grand for it. It's a pretty good scheme.

I didn't have much going on with the ladies in HS (or college , or for several years afterwards) but there was one that if I wasn't so fearful and shy I could have had whatever happens in HS which pretty sure. Normally I wouldn't say her real name but it's germane to the story - Donna Chiaparinno.

I often say I never went to any dances but it's not true, I did go to one with Donna Chiaparinno. She wasn't a kid that got picked on normally but since we went to the dance together (we did not dance BTW) I guess my "pick on me" stink got on her. People started calling her Donna Chia-Pet and then one day when the teacher left the classroom a kid asked me if her pussy hair was like a Chia-Pet. I got so embarrassed and flummoxed that everyone started talking about her Chia-Pussy. She was very upset about the entire thing.

I found out later that she got pretty into drugs after HS.

Do you ever wonder what happened to that from Grimm, Claire Coffee? I did. Turns nothing really. I wonder how many " from X " there are there that never did anything else. Probably a lot.

Remember that Martial Law? Arsenio Hall was on that and on a late night talk he trashed that , that he was on remember, as hard as I have ever heard anyone trash a . He really didn't like it. That averaged million viewers an episode and it got cancelled hard. Now most showrunners would their wife for millions viewers. Times change.
2 Comments
I am not SPAM I am MAN
Posted:Apr 27, 2019 1:37 pm
Last Updated:May 3, 2019 4:44 pm
1776 Views

"To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did"

Denzel Washington said that in a commencement . It's pretty good motivational stuff but it also sounds like something a pimp would say to a from Omaha who's new in the big city. I guess a pimp is basically a professionally motivator though.

Like a lot of dudes my age when I was a kid I used to solve mysteries with my friends Mortimer and Ricky B, although if we're being honest, and I think we are, Mortimer and I did most of the heavy lifting and Ricky B was just kind of along for the ride.

That came to an end in '86 when we were investigating a pile of dead cheerleaders that had been sexually assaulted and mutilated. It seems strange now that children would be investigating something like that but the 80's were a different time. I guess because all the adults were on cocaine it was left to to solve crimes.

We determined that the culprit was a clown who lived in a well outside of town on an abandoned farmhouse where the wife had gone crazy one night and killed her husband and three sons with a flaming pitchfork. Did I say killed, I meant gruesomely slaughtered. She was driven mad by the machinations of the spirit form of Sên-Iey the Illusion-weaver. But that's a story for another day.

When we encountered the clown he kept saying "you get not a normal clown right ?" talking about how he lived in a well and had magic powers. Eventually I said "Yeah we get it already, we all read IT we know the deal" and then when he made us explain IT he got all bent out of shape because he said that Steven King stole his life story. He was real angry about the whole IT thing so he said he was going to eat one of us and we had to choose. Ricky B had the idea that we should all say out own name because then it would be a tie and he couldn't eat any of us. Mortimer and I agreed, well said we did anyway, and then agreed that it was too risky so we both said Ricky B's name.

We just didn't feel like solving mysteries anymore after Ricky B was eaten by a clown-monster. Plus I moved away the next year.

The other day Double D asked me which one of her friends I would have sex with if I "had to" which is a weird implied threat. This is a classic girlfriend trap. I said that since all her friends a gay dudes I didn't care, but I've thought about it more and that's not true.

Sex with a lady you pretty much know the deal, but if you're going to have sex with a dude there's a couple ways it can go down. So in this scenario where somehow coerced into having sex with one of her gay dude friends -

If he's sucking my dick I want whoever's the best it
If sucking his dick I want whoever comes the fastest
If banging him I want whoever looks to the most effeminate from behind
If he's banging I want whoever has the smallest dick

I can't figure how I set up the voice on my phone. Since I do work from home sometimes that's an issue. Not that I get a ton of calls, but still. It makes me feel .

I heard the song "I Feel Pretty" the other day. Either I never heard the entire song before or I just forgot but it's totes weird.

There's a whole section where the singer is busting on her "good friend Maria" for being crazy. Not just crazy but also infested with fleas. She goes on to say that this is not normal for Maria.

I've listened to it a few more times and I think this song is about demonic possession. First Maria is possessed and then the singer herself. She sings about being alarmed at how charming she's become, why would she be alarmed unless this was not normal? The ability to influence others is a common demonic power. She talks about feeling dizzy and not recognizing herself in the mirror. Sounds like possession to me.

I started writing a story once about some people who survived demonic possession and were left with strange powers. They banded together to fight against such things happening to others.

As you may have noticed not blogging so much these days. This is for a variety of reasons, one of which is that I started an even more pointless blog about D&D. I can't imagine anyone would be interested but if you are drop a line and I can send you the link.
3 Comments
The tuck rule
Posted:Apr 15, 2019 5:17 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2019 1:12 pm
2380 Views

“Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to be a woman. I have a full-length mirror in my bathroom, and before I get dressed I will tuck myself between my legs just to see. And, um, it's uncomfortable. So maybe I do understand.”

Michael Scott

The name Tuck Rule Game originates from the controversial game-changing . In the , Raiders' cornerback Charles Woodson sacked Patriots' quarterback Tom Brady, which initially appeared to cause a fumble eventually recovered by Raiders' linebacker Greg Biekert. If it was a fumble, it would have almost certainly sealed the game for Oakland. Officials reviewed the , and eventually determined even though Brady had seemingly halted his passing motion and was attempting to "tuck" the ball back into his body, it was an incomplete pass and not a fumble under the then-effective NFL rules. As a result, the original was overturned, and the ball was given back to the Patriots, who subsequently moved the ball into field goal range.

This weekend there was a fundraiser/thing for the 10th anniversary of Iowa saying gay marriage was fine . There were several people at this event who some would say were men wearing what some would say were women’s clothing . This led to an extensive conversation about tucking . I had never really thought about it before but now I have it doesn’t seem to make a ton of sense . How do you sit down without crushing your balls ? How do you even stand straight ? Seems like would be really hard on your junk .

There’s a new show on Showtime called Warrior is about Kung Fu fighting in San Francisco in the 1800s . I’ve only watched the first episode yet I feel comfortable saying if you like 100% nude Asian ladies this show is for you . A while back with Breaking Bad and Mad Men and so forth they decided it was the golden age of TV . I pretty sure now , thanks to the influence of Game of Thrones we are in the golden age of TV nudity . A while back in one of the episodes of the Simpsons where they were in the future they made a joke about hardcore porn being on normal TV . I think we’re solidly on track for being rule in a couple .

They released a teaser trailer for Star Wars 9 – The Skywalkering . It was pretty cool but confused/annoyed because it seemed like in the Last Jedi (which everyone hated) they put to rest the idea Rey is Luke’s daughter , which I was glad of because was too obvious for , but now it seems to be back in . I mean what else could it be about ? But I did like the Emperor is coming back . See in the extended universe the Emperor became a dark side ghost and went into a clone body he had prepared just in case anyone threw him down a huge Death Star Shaft . Which is neat .

I watched a trailer for the Joker movie . It looks pretty great . I predict the end of the movie will be one of the people stirred by all the Joker’s shenanigans killing Martha and Thomas Wayne and creating the Batman .

In 1990 there was a TV movie called Archie – To Riverdale and Back Again which was sold on VHS as Archie Return to Riverdale or sometimes Archie Reunion Weekend . They used to do a lot back in the day , change the name of a TV movie when it was sold on VHS . I wonder why . Must be some legal thing ?
Even though I wasn’t into Archie all I loved this movie . For some reason I really liked the dude who played Archie . And this could be a false memory because it doesn’t seem like the kind of thing would be on an NBC Sunday Night Movie in 1990 but I feel like there was a mildly racy scene of some kind 13 was really into .

The internet says this movie is “awful” but it has a 6 on IMBD so it can’t be bad . Even though there’s not many things 13 loved hold well . It was supposed to be a pilot for a series but it got crushed in the ratings so it didn’t happen . I assume ’s why the end of the movie Archie stays in Riverdale for essentially no reason .

In this movie Archie and Betty discuss an incident wherein they had to visit a sleazy motel together after their car broke down , Betty's parents misunderstood and tried to force them into a shotgun wedding . Archie misremembers the events and thinks they did actually have sex . What was supposed to be about ? Are they saying Archie was such a huge man- he can’t even keep track of his sex life ? I feel like if you were about to be shotgun weddinged you’d remember clearly if you banged . Or was Betty lying about them banging for some reason ? What was happening ?

The NBS Sunday movie the week before was the New Archies and the week after was Sabrina the Teenage Witch . I never saw either of these , was the entire Sunday Movie lineup based on Archie ?

I never saw the new IT movie . Did they keep the part where they’re lost in the sewers and all hope is lost so they run a train on the in the group which gives them the resolve to fight on ? I feel like I asked this before and no one answered . Steven King , he’s a heck of a writer !
1 comment
Whore VS Vampire - Dawn of Justice
Posted:Apr 8, 2019 5:21 pm
Last Updated:Apr 15, 2019 5:14 pm
2683 Views

I am a fire burning
And I've held onto the fury
So there's just no need to worry
I won't give up

Even though
I've been misused
I've been humiliated
I've been laughed at
And called all kinds of names

But then I see you again
And you smile like a long lost friend
And I know I'm not alone

When I got to work this morning one of the few cars that gets there before me looked like it had SNOW on it sop I checked it out and it was some kind of powdered white stuff . It put me of a mind of the time I took my car to the car wash and after the soap was sprayed on I came to realized said car wash had no water and the soap congealed on my car .

Postscript to that incident , I went to the cars in line behind me and told them not to go in because there was no water - the guy directly behind me seemed like he was pissed at me personally for some reason and the lady behind him went in anyway and then started cursing .

I went up the owner of said car and said "Hey Goober what's the deal with your car ?" and they said that always happens when they drive in the fog - and the said it like it was a normal occurrence and I was weird for asking . So I says "Bro you car is fucked up that shouldn't happen" .

Is that a thing ? Some kind of fog residue ?

The price I had to pay was then they started talking about their daughter who they claim is a model - you know what a modelling mecca Des Moines Iowa is . They said they were going to NY for a shoot and I like "uh-huh , sure , whatever" but then they showed me some pictures and I have to say - she's a real knockout . Maybe it's true .

I have a tendency to disbelieve anything people say when they're bragging .

That's probably why I don't get along so well with people . Well , one reason anyway .

Today I saw a dude in a Goodwill t-shirt come to a crosswalk and stop for maybe 3 seconds before walking directly out into traffic - causing much honking and the slamming of breaks . He casually ambled across the street - not on the crosswalk but about 8 feet away from it - and then when he got to the other side he stared at the convenience store for maybe 7 seconds before spinning around and walking into traffic again .

I read and article today about how the Romanian mob has hacked most of the ATMs in the touristy parts of Mexico and I passed along a tip to my sister and parents since they go there every year . If your phone detects a wireless network coming from the ATM it's been hijacked by the Romanians .

Through NO fault of my own this turned into a big fight with my sister about whether or not we're entitled jerks . She invoked the old chestnut that she works "hard" and "deserves" to go to a resort in Mexico . I feel like she was proving my point . She of course didn't see it that way .

Family is interesting . You're required by law to love them but if you weren't related you wouldn't talk to them ever . What a strange system .

As I'm sure you all know last weekend was Wrestlmania weekend . At the Hall of Fame ceremony (which is a thing) a fan jumped into the ring and tried to tackle Bret "Hitman" Hart . There's a grand tradition in the wrestling world that when a fan tries to get in the mix the wrestlers beat the snot out of them .

They don't show it on TV of course - much like when someone runs onto a football or soccer field - but I've been to enough live shows I've seen it several times . Plus what with the internet and all there were 17 videos of it in Twitter 10 seconds after it happened .

I wasn't a kid when I first saw it but I was pretty young and it was mildly disturbing - here I am enjoying this colorful fake violence and then some real violence gets in the mix ? No thank you sir .

Also it's 100% unnecessary - they could easily just grab the guy and hand him off to security but they don't . And here's the thing , they're fake fighters sure , but that still makes them 77 times stronger and tougher than your average wrestling fan . And of course many of them are also legit hardcases . What's the sense in them punting a dude's head off ? It clearly doesn't deter anyone from doing it because it happens way more than at real sporting events .

What I find most interesting those is in these incidents I have never heard of a wrestler facing any criminal charges and only in one case have a heard of the dude who got stomped suing - which kind of doesn't count because that guy had gotten into a bad car accident a few days later and admitted he was just doing it because he needed money for medical bills .

How is that possible ? People sue for everything . I wish I knew a lawyer who worked for the WWE because I have so many legal questions about wrestling .

I was reminded recently of a thing I had forgotten about attention whores - them getting lots of attention is not enough , it's also important that no one else get any attention . Even if they're in the midst of getting lots of attention they'll pause that to stop someone else from getting any .

I remember in junior high when I first learned that lesson - an attention whore puts more value on you getting nothing than on them getting everything . Man I got such a beating that day .

Anyway , it got me to thinking that the term attention whore isn't really apt - because you get something from a whore , sex . There's a trade off - you give them something and you get something back . Whereas an attention whore gives nothing , they only take .

Ipso facto I hereby declare that the term attention whore be replaced with attention vampire .

I've been feeling kind of out of sorts lately . Unless I'm hanging out with my best gal I've just been rattling around the house . I don't really feel like reading , writing , or watching TV - which is pretty much all I do when I'm left on my own . I've been saying for years that I need another hobby that I can do alone .

Knitting has been recommended but crafts aren't really my thing .

Maybe I should start putting fake reviews on Amazon , that seems pretty popular .

I guess a lot of people spend time watching the YOOTOOB but that's just an inferior form of TV .

Remember a while back when I tried volunteering for a few months ? Talk about barking up the wrong tree .

In conclusion I don't know why this debate is going on because Jabba the Hutt clearly gets more fiber than the Uruk-Hai . I know that the Uruks have a line about eating maggoty bread but that was because they were on the move and didn't have access to meat . Jabba has a palace - I guarantee you he has feasts . We just didn't see one on screen . And a feast is going to have all kinds of fiber . It's just that simple .

How big to you think Jabba's sail barge was ? I could never get a good sense of it's size . I think it's smaller than I think .
2 Comments
Who's more foolish the fool or the fool that follows ?
Posted:Apr 1, 2019 5:57 pm
Last Updated:Apr 3, 2019 5:08 pm
4381 Views
I can't remember the last time someone played an April Fool's joke on me . It may never have happened . I mean there was the time Matt Madison hit me in the stomach with a 2 by 4 but that's less of a "prank" and more of an "assault with a deadly weapon" . People did think it was funny .

But today I came home to this -



It's pretty fantastic .

I figured if I start working now I should be finished with the world's largest Santa suit in time for Christmas so I can put him out again .

A lot of people believe that April Fool's Day originated from Christians making fun of a pagan new year celebration but that's an old wives tale/urban legend - the calendar we use now didn't even exist then .

Some smart people think that it really comes from the "Nun's Priest's Tale" in which a vain cock Chauntecleer is tricked by a fox on Syn March bigan thritty dayes and two - which people thought mean April 1st . This is also incorrect .

April Fool's day has it's origin in pre-Colombian America . A fellow by the name of Howah was nailing a married lady called Iguin (as the tale goes she had a lazy eye but a killer rack and a tight caboose) when her husband Chiricahua walked into the hogan . He was quite upset by the side of another man giving it to his lady so Chiricahua took up his club to dash out the brains of Howah but Howah said "I'm just kidding !" which brought everything to a halt . No one had ever tried that before .

Well , I mean Aymer de Valence did try it on Robert de Clifford before the battle of Bannockburn when Robert walked in on him railing Maud de Clare but we all know how THAT turned out .

Chiricahua eventually agreed that this was a pretty good prank and soon everyone was getting in on the action - hilarious joke sex was happening all over the place . Eventually the people who didn't have spouses felt left out and they started doing tricks other than marital infidelity . As time went by and marital infidelity became normalized it lost its cache as an April Fool's tradition .

There's a legal battle going on in some states now about if it's legal for your employee to require you to sign as part of your employment contract an agreement that if you want to sue them for whatever instead you go to arbitration in a state that will favor them .

Most states seem to be leaning towards saying this is fine .

I have mixed feelings about this . On the one hand if you don't want your company to assfuck you in arbitration should it become necessary you don't have to work there .

Buuuuuuut , that's not really how it works - all companies will do it and they have the luxury of being united in their quest for money whereas we , the workers , have no power because we'll sell each other out in a split second if it means more for us - there is no big picture from the employee side . So as much as I hate it I suppose the government should protect us .

They won't of course , but they probably should .

I stopped watching Last Week Tonight because it went from a show I thought was funny and good to a endless Trump complain jerkoff fest but I heard they had an episode about the WWE last night so I watched it .

It was pretty good but I'm not really going to talk about that . They showed an actuarial graph of how wrestlers die like fruit-flies compared to the norm but what startled me is that they showed NFL players who were below the norm .

With all this talk of CTE and injuries and whatnot NFL players have a longer lifespan than us normal slobs ? I would not have guessed that . I suppose it makes sense , even with all the wear and tear on their bodies they were professional athletes right so they must have pretty good physical gifts or genetics or whatever you want to call it .

And as many of them go to hell after they retire probably the majority of them stay in pretty good shape compared to the average - if you spent 30 years working out all the time and learning about nutrition and exercise you can probably take that down a few notches and still be more healthy than most people .

That was an interesting surprise . I wonder how that line looks for various kinds of athletes . Any actuaries out there ? Give me your trade secrets .

The only thing I know from my work is that most millionaire athletes have shitty credit and often don't know how money works .
3 Comments
I'm on a byway to heck
Posted:Mar 30, 2019 6:45 pm
Last Updated:Apr 1, 2019 5:23 pm
3958 Views

Growing up is in large part about adjusting to a narrowing of possibilities . Which each year we surrender what could have been . When you’re little you can become a spaceman as easily as you can become a fireman . When you’re a liberal arts major you’re still holding open the door to being a novelist . When you’ve reached adulthood your choice have narrowed to private sector wageslave (good pay) or public sector wageslave (ability to not hate yourself) .

Time accelerates as you grow up as well . A fly can avoid your crushing hand because it perceives the world 12 times faster . At twelve a trip to the dentist can seem like an never-ending quest . At forty life can feel like a series of waves crashing one after another – each existing for only a few seconds .

Gaining knowledge is wonderful . I can change a tire , throw a perfect outside breaking ball , and do basic functions in Excel . I couldn’t do any of those things when I was a kid . But what you don’t know is just as wonderful as what you do , sometimes moreso . When I was 7 I could open a book and just look at the names and places . When you’re just learning about buttoning your shirts and walking without getting run over every shred of information is pregnant with the potential to give birth to something extraordinary . I could look at the name Van Lingle Mungo in the encyclopedia and instantly build a world around it . And then another . And another . Dozens of worlds all spinning at once .

I remember being afraid as a kid . When my mom went to work or my dad went to a meeting I had to fill my mind with something because the sheer possibilities surrounding me were overwhelming . As much as it is exhilarating to have the universe stretch out before you it’s terrifying as well . How will you manage ? Every time you pick up one thing you’re letting go of something else .

I miss that overwhelming potential though . I have a car , a house , a computer , books , collections , kitchen appliances , battery powered sexual devices – and I find myself wishing I had nothing .

The resonance of the images in comic books come from that sense of possibility . They promise us a chance to play with that possibility and to conquer the fear that comes with its immensity . The comic book is a direct expression of possibility . What if the fears in our lives became powers ? And what if the powers we read about could become real ?

I order things online all the time . I’ve become inured to the wait . When I was a kid though the weeks between one comic and the next were interminable . They were a journey of possibility – time when you’re allowed to believe what you bought was everything you hoped that it would be .

Or course it was all just a metaphor . We all have to grow up and we all do . We find our own way . Inevitably we get stronger and tougher . Some challenges , even when overcome , disappoint us . Only a few of us grow up to be spacemen . With each choice we make and each hill we climb we lose possibility .

Why are we drawn back to that world again and again ? Whatever power we may have as adults it will never match the horizon that was before us as children . It’s a little scar and we poke that scar once in a while and remember the feeling we had as kids . When anything could happen .
2 Comments

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