Endings and sadness...
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Posted:Jan 28, 2017 6:05 pm
Last Updated:Jan 28, 2017 6:09 pm
9541 Views
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It's hard to believe how fast time has gone by since Nov 5th of 2015 when I started transition for a second time. I remember so vividly the sessions over the course of a few months with my therapist leading up to starting transition. I was so convinced that life was going to finally be what I had dreamed of. That the liberation of myself would set free all the years that I had hated myself for quitting the first time. I believed that I could over come some of my trauma by forcing myself from being a straight woman into being a lesbian. In doing so I wouldn't ever have to confront the trauma of being violated sexually.
When I began the search for an endocrinologist that should have been my first warning sign that committing to transition in Utah was a horribly bad idea. The only person that I could find who would treat me was a Dr. Mara Rabin. She really doesn't care for transgender people. Her passion lies in helping immigrants. I would eventually be told by other doctors that she should be barred from treating transgender patients. She placed me on an HRT regimen and also felt that she could manage the required mood stabilizers.
For ten months I was on a set of medications which shouldn't have been prescribed for the duration I took them, much less being prescribed together.
I had 3 inpatient stays in a neuo-psych unit, one lasting 5 days, because of depression. I had placed to her office over a ten month period 30 calls which went unanswered. When I would see her I was also told to talk more with my therapist or just eat better/more sleep/work out. Never once did she consider that the medications were exacerbating very complex mental health issues and trauma which had been surfacing while in therapy.
During this same time period friendships became extremely strained. People didn't know how to help me. I couldn't help myself. As this is unfolding in my life, I am realizing that behaviors I've had since I was a are directly the result of trauma. And as people tried harder these behaviors would cause more conflict in my relationships.
When , teens, and even adults are traumatized over a period of time they learn to associate love with pain or love with hate. Love no longer means love. They desperately want to be loved and when someone will love them, the closer that someone gets there is an automatic response by the brain which is literally uncontrollable to push away those who love them. There is an intense fear which arises that eventually you will be hurt and you should engage in flight. You will flee by any means necessary. For me it was always to attack myself. By attacking myself I could show them how bad I am and not worth loving. Eventually 'friends' would go tried and completely cut me out of their lives.
In Oct of last year the medication mis-management and my efforts to bury trauma came to a head during a visit by a friend. We had had an amazing 5 days together. She showed me that I could be loved no matter how I looked. That I was incredibly special to another human being. That I was truly worth loving. The trauma of my being sexually violated and the audible hallucinations (I've had these since I was a ) caused a breakdown. This would be the start of the end of this friendship and many others. I would also find out how dangerous the meds I was taking are and how they were impacting my life.
My friend left and went back home on a Wednesday. Amazingly the next day after calling a new endocrinologist she was able to see me right away. But not before the following Sunday just 4 days later where I'd have another breakdown that required hospitalization. Friends, including the one who came to visit, stopped talking to me or blocked me. That week I would see a Dr. Rixt Luikenaar, who would change my entire medication regimen. She was very angry at Dr. Rabin's mis-management.
It takes time for one med to the leave the body and a new med to work. During this period I would have 2 more breakdowns, where the friend who visited me would finally give up and block me from her life. It was beyond devastating. As I have mentioned about behaviors- there is a vicious cycle which happens. You push people away, when they give up you feel absolutely horrible because you can't stop it, and that pushes the feelings from the past up of being unloved and feeling unlovable. It's beyond frustrating to know you do this and be unable to physically and mentally stop yourself. Ingrained behaviors born from trauma are the hardest to break. One reason is you cannot just think or talk to a therapist for an hour and suddenly be cured. It takes practice to change something, right? You don't want to practice on real people pushing them away and trying to stop yourself.
There would be yet another serious breakdown which required police intervention. I had what's called a disassociation. I literally lost a full day of my life. I had a psychotic breakdown. This would drive away a lot of other people who had tried so hard to help. This would cause the former friend who visited me, she was involved, to develop hatred for me.
But the meds starting to balance out and by Thanksgiving of 2016 I was starting to feel better. A new friend had invited me to her families house for Thanksgiving Day. It really was the best Thanksgiving I've had in decades. They were all so amazing kind and just accepted me for me without judgment. I had that twinkling of self-love that I had wanted so desperately.
That week my new doctor decided that in order to help control my eating addiction phentermine would be a good addition to the drugs which I was already taking. This would lead to my nearly committing suicide. It turns out that phentermine is extremely dangerous with the mood stabilizer I was on and also dangerous with one of the testosterone meds I was taking. When these meds became unbalanced it caused the loxaprine that I take to manage the audibe hallucinations. This would lead to a very bad December.
More friends would block me from their lives. More depression. More self-hatred. More believing that there is absolutely no way possible for my being able to get over my past and be happy. When I confronted my doctor about the meds and the horribly bad impacts they had had on me she was very sorry. When I confronted the pharmacy their attitude was that it wasn't their responsibility to tell me, it was mine to figure out if I should take combos of drugs. Utah is such a great place.
My doctor and therapist agreed that there was something that I could do for myself which would benefit me physically in transition but more importantly the mental benefits would really help me gain control of my life. They had suggested that I have an orchiectomy. Removing my balls meant no more testosterone and fewer drugs! Yay! A huge step forward for myself in my transitional process.
Leading up to and through the surgery I was beyond happy. I felt the exquisite beauty of self-love and self-worth.
But it still takes time for drugs which have been mis-managed to leave your body and new drugs to take hold. This procedure doesn't erase the trauma.
I had been placed on some very strong painkillers and two days after surgery I had a delusion that a former friend had filed a restraining order against me and had a cop call me to tell me to leave her alone. Delusions aren't uncommon, even for people who've never had psych issues, on very strong painkillers and coming off of surgery. The hope is you have people around you which can help control them. I had only myself. My former friend's sister-in-law had remained friends and I had told her of my delusion while in the middle of it. This caused more anger and hatred and loss of friendships.
Of course I would have complications with my surgery because that's just my luck; a severe infection with a grape blood pool building up at the base of the tube which was removed. I just haven't taken it well. The voices rage against me, the depression has set in, the pushing away of people who've tried very hard to be there, the suicidal ideologies, the desire to punish myself, the cutting of my body, the lack of hygiene, I just cannot gain control. What's weird is that there are times when I'm aware of what's going on but I don't know how to pull myself out of it.
So in a fit of desperation I have decided to just quit everything. I closed all my social media accounts today except this one. I said goodbye to people who might care that I'm suddenly gone. I am now saying goodbye to Michelle. I just don't know what to do or how to do it. I feel like I have been fighting for 48 years and I am still losing this battle. I don't have anymore strength left. I don't see any value in keeping up the fight. I am not like you dear reader who can just be happy or just forget about stuff or just get over it, god if I were I would have done that 23 years ago. I am not like you were I can just keep getting up and fighting. If you're that person great, I've been getting up for 48 years and now I am tired.
I'm not sure what will happen now that I am stopping transition. My body no longer produces testosterone. My body doesn't naturally produce estrogen. I never really experienced changed list most transgender women on estrogen so I have no body curves and no boobs at all, even after 14 months on estrogen, just decent skin and that'll change back. I don't know if I can even 'be' a man again, I don't know how to do that. It seems so strange and foreign to me.
As I look back over the last 14 months, all the mistakes, all the hurt and pain, all those who just couldn't stay in my life any longer, I am so very grateful there are people whom I've been able to help support and change their lives. A mother and father who finally understood their transgender because of my story and knowing me on social media. A man I bought home to help in 2015 who was homeless and gave him food, some clothes, washed his clothes and gave him some money. I ran into home several months later and he had gotten a job and was doing well. A number of women who had been victims of sexual violations and couldn't talk about their being sexually assaulted but after seeing and hearing my willingness to open up gave them the courage to being facing theirs. A man who had been abused sexually as a and had never spoken of it, through my story of being adopted by a pedophile and my willingness to fight back against that fucker, he found strength to open up and face his past. There are others who've found strength and courage through my story and for that I will always be grateful that I could do some good in the world, especially during a year where it felt that I was truly an evil person for hurting friends and pushing them away.
In closing, please don't feel sorry for me or pity me. I don't have any regrets starting transition. I'm glad I did it. I am sad that I feel trapped, alone, and unable to figure out what to do. But life is never easy and for some of us it is unfairly hard. I wish each of you all the very best in life and if I hurt you along the way or let you down, I truly am very sorry and I hope that one day you will forgive me and let the hatred for me which resides in your heart be replaced by the memories of love that we shared.
Your Forever Friend,
Michelle
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So confused...
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Posted:Dec 11, 2016 8:48 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 1:17 am
8969 Views
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When I was in college I met someone and fell in love. I had never been attracted to men before I met this guy. We lived together for two and a half years and dated for three years. The relationship would turn abusive in year three. First it was the verbal abuse, then the mental abuse and finally physical abuse. It would finally lead to my being violently assaulted and nearly killed by him...
I decided after this trauma to stop transition and live my life according to what society demanded I should be. I spent 23 years hating myself every single day of my life.
I tried to date women, even getting married twice. Every single relationship ended badly. Every single woman I had dated or was married to knew that I was living a lie, that I hated myself, and just could not love them back the way they wanted me to.
Let me make something perfectly clear - therapy can not fucking change how your brain gets wired during fetal development. One does not suddenly wake up one day and for shits and giggles decide they are the opposite gender. The thousands of birth defects and issues that happen during fetal development aren't the choice of the . It's just how nature happens sometimes.
When I started transition again on Nov 5th of 2015 I felt absolutely zero desire or interest in love or a relationship with another human being. None.
Then I met a girl through a Facebook group I was in, we became close friends, we visited each other, I fell mad head over heels in love with her. Sadly the friendship ended.
As I have improved mentally over the last while I have started to dream about men again. I sometimes catch myself looking at them with that lusty eye when I'm out and about. Porn with men and women are both sexually arousing now.
I feel an attraction to both sexes and frankly I am confused as fuck as to why...
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Ourselves...
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Posted:Dec 1, 2016 6:47 am
Last Updated:Dec 9, 2016 9:51 am
9151 Views
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I have been through a lot in my 47 years of life; from foster homes, adoption by a pedophile who was mentally, physically, and sexually abusive, sexually assaulted and nearly killed by a boyfriend in college, the humiliation of police thinking I deserved what I got, several suicide attempts, 20 years of self hatred and loathing, 2 failed marriages because I tried to be something the world wanted me to be and I failed miserably, a failed business that cost me 250k, an ex-gf who stole 40k, years and years of loneliness, and the list goes on...
But what I hate the absolute most about my life...
I fucking hate being transgender.
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Attractiveness...
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Posted:Nov 28, 2016 5:40 pm
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 1:17 am
9092 Views
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One of the things that I hate about social media is the faux empathy that people show each other over pictures which are posted of yourself. Your friends and family or whomever think they are doing you a bit favor when they tell you that you're so pretty, so beautiful, or so gorgeous.
The reality of your looks sets in when you try and date. You will quickly find the validity of the accolades over your looks once you put yourself out there.
I've had many arguments with my friends to not be nice for the sake of being nice. It creates an artificial sense of self and how you look towards others.
I don't mind being ugly, I do mind being ugly and told that I'm pretty. I'd rather just be told that I'm a nice person.
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Why are women...
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Posted:Nov 28, 2016 3:24 am
Last Updated:Dec 3, 2016 6:25 pm
9410 Views
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Something that I have noticed over the last few years as I have been in transition- women are far less likely to be interested in a trans woman than men are. And I'd like to understand why? This is especially important to me as I am only interested in women.
I have been on a number of dating sites for just a little over a year and have never once found a woman (who's open to any sexuality type) that is interested in trans woman and I have spoken to thousands of them.
Whereas, the men flock to trans women.
Do women who are bi or just not really see much in the way of gender have a natural distaste for trans people? Are we seen as vile and ugly? Is it the idea that we had or have a penis revolting?
Maybe it's just me...
If it is me that really sucks because at nearly 48 years old being single for going on 6 years really sucks. The idea that I may never find love is seriously depressing.
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Gratitude & Love
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Posted:Nov 23, 2016 5:19 am
Last Updated:Nov 23, 2016 5:22 am
10167 Views
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This may be a difficult post for some to read and I apologize in advance. With Thanksgiving tomorrow and so many things swirling in my heart I just needed a safe place to write a little.
Depression... PTSD... Food Addiction... Gender Identity Disorder... Schizoaffective Disorder...
These are the names of issues which I have been given by professional psychiatrist and therapist. I have lived with these most all of my life. Some of these issues were brought on by mental, physical, and sexual abuse by an adoptive father and an ex-boyfriend. Some are probably genetically inherited from my mother and/or grandmother.
Before I started transitioning on Nov 5th of last year, that's the day I started hormone therapy, I pretty much just had to deal with mood issues/depression. Once in awhile I would get triggered by the audible voices I hear but not very often. I would sometimes use food as a means to manage depression.
During this last year as I have been in therapy I have come to realize the harm that I have caused myself by not getting help when I was younger. That locking away all the things that happened to me as a , , and young adult made the problems so much worse. That trauma became like a cancer and has been eating away at my soul for two decades.
In light of how difficult it has been to overcome some of the most horrific events of my past I have made some huge progress this year. I am so proud of myself at what I've been able to accomplish in just one year.
I can look into a mirror and smile and love who I am seeing.
I have been able to love another human being.
I have been able to allow another human being to love me.
I have been able to openly share who I am and offer love and support to anyone who will accept it.
I have been able to experience happiness in as myself.
I have been able to forgive my adoptive father for much of which he did to me.
I have been able to forgive my natural dad for giving up his parental rights and never wanting to see me again.
I'd say that I've had a pretty fantastic year in that regard. I am so grateful to the many people who've been a part of this fantastic ride. I really could not have done it without them.
This year has also been mired by some pretty difficult times too. I have had days where I have been seriously suicidial. I have on at least two occasions not only planned it but started the process. I have been hospitalized three times this year, once of those requiring a five day stay. I was also being treated by a doctor for ten months who has absolutely NO business treating transgender patients. So for ten months I was being prescribed medications which I shouldn't have been on or weren't enough to help.
In mid-Oct. I had a massive mental break down while a friend that I cared for deeply and was in love with was visiting me from Chicago. Throughout this year I have had increasing issues with audible voices which are extremely cruel to me. These are voices just as if you were talking to your SO or family. If you want to experience what it's like put on some headphones, turn up the volume really loud, and listen to def metal for an hour without stopping. Now image this 18 hours a day every day.
This break down would lead to a month and a half long cycle of increasingly harmful behavior towards myself and towards those whom I loved and cared for. Between the mental issues, the election, medication, and hormones I have been a train wreck.
I have had a number of close friends give up on our friendship this last month. Two of them were so tired of my 'whining' actually told me that I should commit suicide to do myself and the world a favor. Several others, and one in particular whom I loved, just could not handle how sick I have been and my pushing them away (I have this very bad habit of pushing people out of my life who I care for out of fear that I'm going to get hurt. It's irrational I know but it's born out of abuse and hard as fuck to overcome).
As I have begun to cycle out of this very serious depressive cycle, as the medications I take to control the voices really start to work, as the new hormone meds I'm on are improving things, as the new depression meds I'm on are finally kicking in, the realization of how bad things have been, how deeply I've hurt people, how deeply I hurt myself is really starting to settle in.
I don't think any of my lost friendships can be saved. Even if they I can't I do believe that after the pain wears off there are still footprints of love we leave on each others lives that will always remain. If we can see where we made mistakes and work hard to improve them, those that we've hurt, including ourselves, can look back with fondness and pride of having been in each others lives.
I have been writing out a Thanksgiving Thankful doc in word and listing out all the things that I am thankful for and why. I've never done anything like this before but it's really neat to see the amount of things that I have to be thankful for right now, even in the wake of some incredibly difficult times.
There is even as I try and be thankful and even as I'm moving out of this horrific cycle one thing I am and probably will struggle with for awhile: being so close to having the life that I have so desperately dreamed of. Having real love in my life. The realization of what could have been if I had just tried to address the trauma of having been violated, nearly killed, the domestic violence sooner.
This is one of the things that really sucks about having issues like mine, as you get better and look at all the broken pieces in your life you can sometimes be left with a feeling that this is just as good as it's going to get and that sucks.
Can I love again? Yes. Can I grow from this and heal enough so I can let people get close to me without pushing them away? Yes. Can I prove to myself that I can do better and make the world around me a better place to be in? Yes.
On this Thanksgiving Eve I am grateful that those of who've decided to reach out and connect with me see me as an equal. I am grateful to all those who continue to support me in-spite of the flaws that I have. I am grateful to those who fought so hard but just reached a point where self preservation was absolutely necessary and they didn't want to be hurt any longer and needed to exit my life. Most of all I am grateful that I am me with both the bad and the good. For each of those has shaped my story and my story continues to become more beautiful each day.
<3
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Today is the best day...
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Posted:Nov 6, 2015 6:27 pm
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2015 7:07 pm
14955 Views
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Today is the best day that I've had in decades. Today I started hormone therapy again. I wish that I could really put to words how excited I am to move through the next few steps of transition and fixing my body.
Having to look into a mirror and hate your body, feeling uncomfortable taking a shower, feeling uncomfortable going to the bathroom, not really ever being able to totally feel like yourself in a relationship. The struggle is beyond real.
I am thankful that I have a great job, great insurance, lots of supportive people, and that I look half way decent without even being on hormones. Cuz I know in two years from now when I finally finish, I'm gotta be pretty hot.
Have a wonderful weekend and thank you so very much for stopping by my blog.
xoxo
Michelle
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It's morning time....
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Posted:Jul 5, 2015 9:17 am
Last Updated:Sep 24, 2015 8:03 am
16330 Views
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That first cup of coffee in the morning... I'm having coffeegasams... ❤
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Have a great day...
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Posted:Jul 4, 2015 7:57 am
Last Updated:Aug 1, 2015 8:08 pm
16365 Views
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Happy 4th of July, Everyone... America's 239th birthday... ❤
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Hi, Passion...
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Posted:Jul 1, 2015 9:58 am
Last Updated:Apr 18, 2024 1:17 am
16359 Views
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I haven't made a post in a long time, how are all of you sexy people? Hope you're staying cool. Holy eff'ing hell has it been hot lately.
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I cry... a lot..
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Posted:Mar 17, 2015 6:06 am
Last Updated:Mar 29, 2015 7:08 am
18623 Views
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"One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad."
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Monday
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Posted:Mar 16, 2015 10:28 am
Last Updated:Jan 28, 2017 5:04 pm
18630 Views
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My bra, panties and heels all match today... About the only thing I feel good about today...
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To link to this blog (MichelleS1968) use [blog MichelleS1968] in your messages.
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