Chasing the darknes  

_Vain_ 44M
1684 posts
1/12/2019 4:59 pm

Last Read:
1/12/2019 9:18 pm

Chasing the darknes


***The following may be somewhat dark but they are my thoughts and writing is how I express them. This may be a trigger for those who have also suffered dark thoughts.***

How does a person cope when pretty much every day you want to die. Heart break hurts. It’s painful, and it reinforces just how truly alone you are. You try and move on with life, but the pain continues. You reach out to friends for that human contact we all need, but then you eventually you are alone again.

I’ve been accused of things I didn’t do. My reputation is ruined and my life potentially is over. The day after these accusations came out I was at work. All day I would have my box cutter in my hand and wonder how fast I could slice my throat. But I got through my day and the rest of the week knowing after I had 1.5 weeks off.

Christmas Eve I had plans with a good friend. That was when I found more than I expected about my about current situation. That someone who once loved me was plotting to ruin my life. I was devastated. I was already broken this made it worse. My friend tried to take me in that night. She felt I needed professional help and was concerned for my well being. That I needed someone to talk to. Being a holiday our options were limited. I begged her not to call the police and was able to convince her I was Ok. She made me promise to keep in touch and let me stay home.

Talking to a professional is not going to help me. Talking will not get D to love me again. Talking will not get people to change what they have said about me. It will not stop the process that has already started.

Almost every day I think about dying. I wonder how much life insurance I have. Or what limitations the insurance on my mortgage has. Even in my current state I am still logical.

The things that keep me alive are my cats, my debt and what this would do to my parents. But eventually even that won’t be enough.

But nothing will happen today, this week and even this month. So do not worry about me. For now I am alive. That’s all got and for now that will have to be enough.

And I will keep trying to chase away the darkness…..


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_Vain_ 44M
1011 posts
1/12/2019 5:01 pm



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benard69 63M/63F  
4000 posts
1/12/2019 5:22 pm

Sounds like you have a very good friend...You really can't say that professional help won't work if you aren't at least willing to try...You're at a low point in life and could use some help to regain your self esteem...Prayers for you!


Naughtypursuit 51F  
1708 posts
1/12/2019 5:27 pm

Big hug....


_Vain_ 44M
1011 posts
1/12/2019 5:30 pm

    Quoting benard69:
    Sounds like you have a very good friend...You really can't say that professional help won't work if you aren't at least willing to try...You're at a low point in life and could use some help to regain your self esteem...Prayers for you!
Yes good friends are also keeping me alive, for now.

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_Vain_ 44M
1011 posts
1/12/2019 5:32 pm

Thank you, I need it...

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bitchkitty2017 66F  
2244 posts
1/12/2019 5:37 pm

Well you know though that a lot of people have their dark inner thoughts when life keeps kicking you over and over when you are down and at the lowest point in life ..I was there and it didn't feel like too much to live for but when its the end of the day and yr still here that's the point in which you say " I made it through another day" .nothing wrong with that..I endured my husbands death , mounting bills , a big property to maintain...8 months later my only daughter passes away then grief that's just healing for my partner starts all over ..your mind races and never stops ...thoughts are not good...but again at the end of the day I am still standing..6 months into that I had a bad motorcycle accident ..lost my left leg smashed my ribs and collapsed my one lung...did 2.5 months in the hospital and now after a year and a half I still can stand at the end of the day.....you can too ..and sometimes a fresh start helps.....I made the choice of between lay down and die or get up and fight..which one do you think I chose..? any time you wanna talk my door is open no matter when or what time...you fight don't you dare give in.....


_Vain_ 44M
1011 posts
1/12/2019 5:50 pm

    Quoting bitchkitty2017:
    Well you know though that a lot of people have their dark inner thoughts when life keeps kicking you over and over when you are down and at the lowest point in life ..I was there and it didn't feel like too much to live for but when its the end of the day and yr still here that's the point in which you say " I made it through another day" .nothing wrong with that..I endured my husbands death , mounting bills , a big property to maintain...8 months later my only daughter passes away then grief that's just healing for my partner starts all over ..your mind races and never stops ...thoughts are not good...but again at the end of the day I am still standing..6 months into that I had a bad motorcycle accident ..lost my left leg smashed my ribs and collapsed my one lung...did 2.5 months in the hospital and now after a year and a half I still can stand at the end of the day.....you can too ..and sometimes a fresh start helps.....I made the choice of between lay down and die or get up and fight..which one do you think I chose..? any time you wanna talk my door is open no matter when or what time...you fight don't you dare give in.....
Hearing other's story give you a fresh perspective on life.

I am trying...

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superbjversion2 63F  
13912 posts
1/12/2019 6:26 pm

I faced that dark moment in my twenties. What got me through then was the thought "What if I don't like being dead?" It's gotten me through several more dark times.

Just keep going....one step becomes one day. One week. One month.

I put the sex in sexagenarian


_Vain_ 44M
1011 posts
1/12/2019 6:28 pm

    Quoting superbjversion2:
    I faced that dark moment in my twenties. What got me through then was the thought "What if I don't like being dead?" It's gotten me through several more dark times.

    Just keep going....one step becomes one day. One week. One month.
But if one is dead, does one really know?

But yes I am trying, one day at a one.

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DesMoines_f 62F  
217 posts
1/12/2019 9:10 pm

Talking to a professional may not change what has happened but I feel it will help you to look at what has happened differently, and hopefully they will give you solid suggestions on how to deal with things going forward.

My opinion about being accused of things you didn't do is that anyone who believes you really did those things doesn't really know you, and you are better off without those kind of people in your life.


_Vain_ 44M
1011 posts
1/12/2019 9:18 pm

    Quoting DesMoines_f:
    Talking to a professional may not change what has happened but I feel it will help you to look at what has happened differently, and hopefully they will give you solid suggestions on how to deal with things going forward.

    My opinion about being accused of things you didn't do is that anyone who believes you really did those things doesn't really know you, and you are better off without those kind of people in your life.
Thanks for reaching out.

Not really any other way to look at my situation. Its not a question of who believes me now. Its hoping I don't end up in prison.
Too many innocent men have been failed by our justice system. I don't want to be one of them.

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