10 reasons not to stalk your ex online

Sleep is for wimps (Picture: dashek)
There’s no denying that, after a break-up, stalking your ex is a tempting thing to do.
I’ll be the first person to admit that I love nothing more than a night on the sofa with a stiff G&T and three hours free to trawl through the photos of somebody who wants absolutely nothing more to do with me anymore.
But sadly, fun and productive as it is, when it comes to keeping social media tabs on your ex, there are reasons why you’re better off deleting than delving.
Here’s 10 reasons not to stalk your ex online.

1. It’s virtual self-harm
   ‘I’m so glad I chose a weekend on the sofa going through my ex-boyfriend’s Facebook pictures over a fun night out with my friends’.
   Said no girl, ever.
2. Nobody puts bad s**t online
   By stalking your ex online, you are not gifted with a secret window to his life, you are viewing, along with 500 other people, the things he wants people to see.
   So while you can torture yourself thinking that all he does now is have great nights out with fabulous people and spends every weekend on a city break with his new girlfriend – the reality is guaranteed to be a lot less spectacular.
3. You’ll get stuck
   According to a recent study – maintaining even a weak connection over the internet, post break-up, interferes with a person’s ability to move on.
   No s***, Sherlock.

I love my life, I’m having so much fun (Picture: stokkete)
4. You’ll lose your friends
Friends should be available to buy you Sambuca for at least three weeks after a break-up.
They should not be available to discuss the fact that a girl called Linda who likes yoga and cats liked six of his Facebook pictures last week – 6 months after you split up.
Your ex losing 17 twitter followers this week but gaining 23 is categorically not newsworthy.
5. You’ll have a distorted sense of happiness
There are certain things in life that should cause you to feel pure elation.
Stalking the girl who liked one of his Instagram pictures and realising her Facebook profile is public, is categorically not one of them.
6. You’ll become obsessed with people you’ve never met before
Most notably every female that interacts with him on social media – meaning that you are now stalking 56 people instead of one.
Life might be too short, maybe?
7. …and book hiking holidays in Montenegro
Wow, what a coincidence bumping into you both! What a small world!
8. Double tapping on Instagram pictures when you’re drunk
Stalking – all the fun at the fair… until you double click like.

The moment you press like (Picture: razyph)
9. But it’s only LinkedIn
If you’re old enough to have a LinkedIn account you’re old enough to know better – and really, how many times do you need to read his CV a week?
10. Do something that scares you every day
Delete and move on. It’s boring and grown-up but categorically the only way to maintain dignity and a life post break-up.
De-friending an ex on Facebook – the 21st century skydiving.
You won’t get a certificate but man, the rush is still epic