Professional boundaries

Professional boundaries are the rules that help keep relationships between professionals and their clients or coworkers safe and respectful. They show where a person's work role ends and their personal life begins. These boundaries are important for protecting people who might be more vulnerable and for maintaining trust. They are often based on laws and ethical guidelines. By setting these limits, professionals can avoid situations that might lead to misuse of power, emotional exhaustion, or inappropriate behavior. This includes clear communication, knowing when gift-giving is appropriate, and not getting too personal with clients or colleagues.

Due to my health issues, I have to engage a part time caregiver to help with my housekeeping and shower routine (as I have fall risk due to my weak heart) in Dec 2024. The service provider sent a Muslim lady in her 60+ but still healthy for simple housework and assisting me in my shower routine. I also trained her (SA) to help to cover my chest dialysis tube with plastic to prevent it from getting wet (which can be fatal if it gets infected).

Aunty SA prove to be a disciplined industrial caregiver as she used to work in the police & army. She also helped out with her adult daughter's family of 6 grandchildren who lives nearby her when she went over daily. Thus, I was blessed to have her for almost a year of service. Unfortunately, halfway through the services, her own marriage was going through a bad patch due to her husband's affair with marrying another woman (allowed in their religion) so she decided to divorce him.

Divorce is a highly complicated life matter so her moods started to swing and she couldn't focus much. She was always distracted and often spent time crying to me while at my home during service days. Or she will be on her phone talking instead of cleaning my house due to her divorce matters (talking to lawyer or her friends or relatives). She made my mentally ill Husband disturbed with her negative anger talk which was not good for his conditions either. I have tried so hard to make sure nothing can trigger him by keeping him at home to rest and relax. Sigh, I realized her heart is no longer for work but her own domestic issues to deal with.

The final straw came when she missed my September's Bible school graduation preparation... as I was left without my graduation flowers she was suppose to order for me or the photos and videos she was supposed to take for me. She took medical leave too missing the event completely as I suspected grief overtook her due to her husband started to stay overnight in his 2nd's wife home then.

After the graduation, she did return to work 2 weeks later and we went out for an expensive meal at a country club to make up for the graduation lunch she missed with us. However on the way home, she had a fall and broke her wrists. Later she revealed she was too upset at that moment when her husband messaged her to send her car back to him... that she didn't look where she was walking and fell. Ended up she couldn't work for the past 3 months and I have to source for other caregivers from her company. I did mentioned in my previous few blogs on this issue that the company wasn't able to send any suitable part timers and I was often left without any caregivers coming for the service days.

I prayed about it and somehow I felt the Holy Spirit clarified my mind... that it was time to let go. Aunty SA was in no condition to work with her mental stress due to her divorce procedure nor was her wrist injuries able to cope with the housekeeping tasks. I know we did build a good friendship as I am a trained mental health advocate and able to listen to her woes. But this is also not professional when she became over-depend on me instead of seeking professional help or talking to her family about her feelings.

Even professional help is based on once a fortnightly or a month for 45 mins counselling and not using me thrice a week to pour all her emotional baggage onto me who is the actual client for the home services. I felt trapped in my own home with nowhere to run when she did that, using me like an emotional rubbish bin. This is already crossing the professional boundary.

So since her company couldn't meet my requirements for a permanent part time caregiver while she was on leave, I decided to outsource to another service provider for twice a week service for a change. As I was using the highly subsidized government funding for such services, the long queue to be transferred took quite awhile. Worse was her company manager forgotten to do the transfer as she went for holiday (after promising me to do so)... it was further delayed by another 3 weeks. Really no consideration of my health issues either.

Finally after waiting for 8 weeks, the new service provider came for the initial assessment and they agreed to send a caregiver next Wed for my service requirement. But they can only sent once a week due to the high demand these days. And once they know me better, of course I can request for twice a week service. I realized with my new afternoon dialysis schedule now, I do not have much time in the day for thrice a week service anymore.

Well, I am thankful nevertheless. This new company work mainly with local healthcare providing younger foreign labour who they will train on eldercare and those with medical issues. I do not have to worry about the professionalism or lack of staffing due to domestic issues. My Husband is also using another service provider who hire younger foreign labour and I can see the difference in the services. Usually the foreign staff will do their tasks as asked and not bother the client while doing the housekeeping after the showering routines. But that small company is also full of clients so not able to take my case.

Sorry to say this, the previous company where Aunty SA came from, hires mainly older local retirees who cannot find permanent jobs, so these retirees work part time with no basic benefits or training at all. Aunty SA fell but she has to pay for her own medical expenses even though she was out with us for that day of work. I do feel bad too. And one of the replacement caregiver who came after SA was also in her 60+. She too, had a fall on her way to my home due to the rainy season. Then the other part timers that came also complained that they are older so not able to do much housekeeping tasks. So I also wondered, why do I want to have elder caregiver to care or do housekeeping for me? Shouldn't it be a younger caregiver? It just felt weird.

I did struggle initially about this decision. Was I too hard-hearted to let her go when she needs a lot of comfort for her domestic issues? Yet I have to consider the pros and cons. By letting her go, she will seek professional help and work on her issues than just using her service time with me for her own therapies. It is not fair to me or to my family to have such negative vibes enter our household thrice a week. I want peace in my home. And I needed the professional housekeeping in consideration of my ill health while also caring for my stroke husband with mental conditions. I have to put my family needs first.

In fact the past 8 weeks without any help from the caregiver, I managed to ask my tenant to help out with the cleaning for their own areas in the house. Not only that, I found so much peace of mind to concentrate on my own works. After my diploma graduation, I started on my associate degree in bible study since mid of October and wow, this is different level. A lot of readings and research to do so I do need to quiet my soul and focus on my own studies. There are 7 modules for this and this weekend I would be trying to complete my academic essay and last assignment for the 2nd module. In a way, I know I made the right decision.

I did catch up with Aunty SA over whatapp once a while. She asked me to consider transferring back so she can come back to work part time for me. I don't feel good as she also said her doctor already said she cannot carry 5kg or do much tasks with her wrists at the moment. And she also said she's not doing well now that her husband finally move out for good after receiving the court divorce processing letter. I can see plainly that she wanted to come to me for comfort and therapy as a friend. But that is not professional, as she is using the time for work for her own issues. And honestly, she is not seeking solutions to her issues, but wanting to vent her issues by keep dwelling on the negativity (Rumination). This is also an issue of the retired elderly or the sick (like me previously), when they have too much time on their hands and their thoughts wandered endlessly instead of keeping themselves busy with something positive like a hobby.

But I told her I don't mind meeting as friends sometimes if I can arrange my schedule. I am really busy with my associate degree study and I am also teaching a weekly mental health class too. I also started a mini gardening hobby... tending to my 30+ pots of plants in my balcony and along the corridor. These 3 weeks, I am also involved with a local TV production on aging community and palliative care arrangement filming, involved going to the funeral parlour for tasks to do before death type of a current affairs/info-ed programme. There are many scenes involved with various community providers & agencies, even filming at my dialysis centre next week. To be honest, I barely have time for more with my busy schedule now.

She then request to meet me after the filming. I said I would arrange if possible. I really don't mind meeting her as a friend but also depends on my work schedule. This year my dialysis fee just increased with $400 more due to inflation rise in the medical cost. I need to do more teaching to bring in more income to provide for my own household too. Everything is rising in cost.

Even though my late Father in law's flat is official on the market for sale, there's no buyer yet due to it's old age and left only 49 years lease. Younger buyers would not consider and older buyers who downsizing might consider but I understood from my husband's elder brother he is having a hard time selling as the legal executor of the flat. I'm waiting for the flat to be sold so my loan that I paid previously for them would be returned to me. Then I can save it for my next year bible study in Degree.

Really, after coming out from my deep depressive period from the betrayal of my childhood friend and my ex-lover in 2024... I found meaning in my religion that kept me going... turning my free time into meaningful works and rebuilding my confidence... closer relationships with family and making encouraging friends and associates in my faith... I am already very blessed and grateful. I have turned my mournings into dancing... and I won't want to look back and seek the wrong stuff that also destroy my soul again. So I do not wish to get involved with others' endless dramas unless they wants real action to get out of the situations they are in.

So from this year on, I will have to draw boundaries for my family and my own sake.