If you’re a lucky online dater, you’ll be going on a lot of first dates.
If you’re an unlucky online dater, you’ll be going on a lot of first dates.
Online dating is pretty much the definition of "double-edged sword." On one hand, it's exciting to go on so many dates and meet so many new people. On the other hand, it's totally taxing trying to get to know that many strangers. And the worst part about it is answering the same tired get-to-know-you questions over and over again.
You could be on a date with someone who is perfect on paper (or is that “screen?&rdquo
, but the second they open their mouth and one of these questions comes out, you know you’re headed straight for Boredomland:
What do you do for a living? “What do you do for a living?” is the first offender you're likely to hear. It's not that it's wrong to want to know, because of course getting to know someone means understanding what they do in their professional life, it's just that it's incredibly dull. In this same vein are questions like “Where did you grow up?” and “Where did you go to school?” They're all generic queries that sound more like a job interview than scintillating first date conversation.
What do you do for fun? Again, it's not that you wouldn’t want to know how your date enjoys spending their time, it's just not a very memorable or exciting question. Your job on a first date is to set yourself apart, not to sound exactly like every other snoozefest your date has had dinner with. Besides, what are the odds that their answer will actually give you serious additional insight into who they are as a person?
Why are you single? Ouch. Why does anyone ever think this question is a good idea? There’s pretty much no way to answer without feeling like a total failure for one reason or another. Also steer clear of backhanded compliments like "I can't believe someone hasn't locked you down already!" Thanks. Guess it must be because something is totally wrong with me.
What kind of guys/girls are you into? Awkward. Irrelevant. Pretty much destined to end in disaster. At the end of the day, a person's "type" doesn't matter at all – all that counts is that they’re attracted to you. And if you’re on a date together, it’s safe to say you already know the answer to that question.
Why did your last relationship end? No. Just no.
Where do you live? Do you live alone? This is the part of the night when you start worrying that your date is a serial killer. If you’re lucky, all they’re doing is calculating the likelihood that you'll hook up that night. If you're not so lucky, there is a dark alley and an ax in your future.
Online Dating: Here’s What You Shouldn’t be Asking
I often hear complaints from both sexes about online dating. Guys think that they have the harder time, because they have to pursue. A lot. Most of them assume women get too many emails and therefore never respond.
Women on the other hand, feel that they have it tougher. They think the guys send sexually aggressive emails, hoping to just see who’s down to hook up rather than go on an actual date. Most of the other guys are either mass-emailing women, or they just don’t know what to talk about and don’t even bother to engage with women outside of the standard phrase: “how was your day?”
Together, it makes online dating tough for both sexes.
I don’t think it’s a competition for who has it worst. I think that there is a lot of room for improvement on both sides. Instead of spending more time complaining about the opposite sex and their online dating strategies, try thinking about what you do personally – what do you say in your profile? What is it that you are actually looking for? How are you coming across to strangers?
When you focus on what you can control in online dating – you and your profile – then you can begin to make some changes and see what works and what doesn’t instead of just complaining. Here are some suggestions if you’re having trouble thinking of what to say in a first email, or if you’re not having much luck:
Guys:
Read her profile. Chances are, if she’s online dating she’s left you a lot of valuable information about what she likes in her profile. Start from there – send an email specifically about something in her profile so she sees that you read it, that your email is a bit more personal. It makes a good impression.
Put some time into it. Don’t just mass-email 100 women because you think only 5% will respond. That’s because they know you’ve just sent a mass email! Instead, pick the women you find most attractive and send them a personal message. It’s not about writing a novel, it’s about being less generic in your approach.
Ladies:
Answer more emails. Instead of just writing guys off (unless they are being inappropriate), try responding to more emails. Agree to meet more guys for coffee. There’s nothing wrong with deciding later whether you want to pursue him or not. Don’t discount him until you get to know him.
Be polite. There’s no need to write a nasty response or let your emails go unanswered if you feel he’s not exactly right. It’s very easy to say a quick “thanks, but no thanks.” After all, he took the time to write. So if he’s polite, he deserves a little respect in return.
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Is there any place more filled, teaming, brimming with boring clichés that online dating? Even most Hallmark cards aren't this cheesy.
This probably doesn't come as a shock, but I'll say it anyway: your clichés aren't impressing anyone. If you want to find a date online, you have to stand out from the crowd – not sound like everyone else in it. Next time you’re tempted to type one of the following phrases, don't.
“No baggage.” Not only is this boring, it's also kind of rude and unrealistic. A human being with no baggage doesn't exist. Yes, that includes you. How can you expect someone to have no "stuff" in their past when you have stuff of your own? What “no baggage” really means is “I’m setting myself up for perpetual disappointment” or “I’m not actually ready to date another Homo sapien.” (But, um…hopefully you’re not planning to date anything else, either.)
“Knight in shining armor.” We're back to that "perpetual disappointment" thing again.” This is yet another totally unrealistic expectation, not to mention a completely outdated concept. Have you forgotten what year this is? This is 2014, not 1420. In this century, we like relationships to be a little more equitable and the “battle of the sexes” should no longer be a battle. No battle means no armor needed.
“I don’t take life too seriously.” In other words, you're totally directionless and coasting through life. It's not that life should be taken seriously all the time – because it shouldn’t – but if there's any aspect of life about which you ought to be serious, it's probably your partner.
Shouldn't finding love with someone special be one of the most serious quests you undertake? If what you mean by this phrase is that you're fun, adventurous, full of humor, etc., then find a different way to show it.
“My _____ is/are everything to me.” Fill in the blank. It could be a pet. It could be children. It could be your career. Whatever it is, what it says to potential dates is "You're competing for second place…at best.” Way to make someone feel special.
“I’m bubbly.” Are you champagne? In that case, great. If not, everyone knows that’s code for “loud and annoying.”
If you are over 40 and wondering how to approach this whole dating thing, here are some tips:
Try different sites and apps. Not everyone over age 40 should be on eHarmony. Not every guy should be on Tinder. Before you join, ask yourself what your goals are. Do you want to test the dating waters without getting serious? Do you want to get married? Or would you like to find a girlfriend/ boyfriend for companionship? Different sites and apps offer different experiences, so be sure to research first.
Be honest in your approach. So many women lie about their ages, and so many men lie about their height. They want to attract more people, but in the end when you are meeting dates in real life, they will be upset by the lie. Don’t start any relationship this way. The people who are right for you won’t let age or height be a factor, so don’t you either.
Let go of your baggage. There’s nothing more important than examining past relationships and seeing where we can get rid of old beliefs and thought patterns that aren’t serving us. Anger and fear are the two worst things to hang on to – for anyone. Go to counseling, talk with a friend, start a practice in yoga – do what it takes to help lift you beyond your current fear and anger, and into a place of greater peace before you date. It will be worth it.
Think about what you want in a relationship. It’s more important to understand how you want to feel in a relationship, rather than looking for a guy or girl who checks off those “boxes” – like being hot, or educated, or successful. These don’t matter nearly as much when you are in the relationship. Instead, think about the kind of person you’d like to spend time with.
Cultivate your own happiness and personal life. Do you enjoy travel, riding your bike, or cooking? Don’t wait for a partner to plan your next trip, or a cycling buddy before you research new biking trails, or a boyfriend before you start cooking elaborate 4-course meals. Do it for you! When you do things that make you happy, it puts you in a great headspace to attract others who are happy in their lives, too.