surviving

So how do you become that person? How can you boost your confidence and build your charisma so that you are the kind of person everybody wants?

Have realistic expectations. Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither is confidence. Set small, achievable goals and work towards them at a comfortable pace. If you've always been shy or socially awkward, it's ok to take baby steps and celebrate small successes. Evaluate your growth every couple of weeks, and set new objectives after reviewing your progress.
Fake it 'til you make it. That might sound like trite advice, but trust me - it's enormously effective. If you act confident, other people will believe that you are. And the more other people believe that you are, the more you will too. Though your faux self-assurance might feel contrived, embarrassing, and awkward at first, keep at it! As you begin to see the positive effects of your new behavior and fresh mindset, they will become increasingly natural responses.
Overcome limiting beliefs. Men and women everywhere are weighed down by negative thoughts about their physical appearance, skills, intelligence, abilities, and self-worth. Every time you catch your mind thinking something limiting about yourself, take a moment to end that train of thought and replace it with something positive. Your actions will not change until your mindset does.
Turn the quest for self-improvement into a game. Set goals like "I must make eye contact with everyone I speak to today" or "I will smile at 20 strangers I see on the street this afternoon." If you meet your goals, treat yourself to dinner at your favorite restaurant. If you don't, clean the bathroom you've been avoiding for the past two weeks

Less is more
So , you've decided to sign up for an online dating website, and you're not sure what to say about yourself.

No problem! The site you've chosen has tons of questions to answer about yourself. Sure, you've never really contemplated what you like to do on the third Sunday of every month, but now you realize that you like to sort out the comics section of the newspaper first and read it to your dog! You're writing down stuff you didn't even realize about yourself, and eventually you find your profile is so long that it takes ten seconds to scroll down completely. Perfect!

Well, the dating site might approve, because it likes when you fill in content. However, the readers out there might simply be looking for common interests, and maybe for something that sets you apart. They really don't need to know your life story, or the fact that you still mark your initials on the toes of your socks. They don't want to wade through contemplations on where your life is really headed to find out what restaurants you like.

So, how can you make your profile brief, but interesting and different? Well, you could start by answering the endless prompts that dating sites give you – but don't publish your rambles. Instead, pull out the red pen. Begin by deleting anything that isn't interesting or funny. If you think you might be too biased (hint: if you think everything you say is interesting or funny, you're biased), get a friend to help proofread.

Once you get a stack of interesting and funny bits about yourself, try combining them in different ways. For example, let's say that after editing, the ten things you can't live without has fallen to one. Rather than filling up the other nine with drivel or leaving it lonely, try working that factoid in somewhere else.

It's possible that you might wind up with some joke or trivia bit that simply doesn't fit in anywhere. That's okay – you can use it later in an email or in conversation. You don't have to put everything you have out there on this profile. I always say that a profile should be like the back of a paperback novel; you want the reader to be eager to learn more, but you don't want to give away the whole plot. After all, if you're successful, you'll have all the time in the world to talk about your socks.

It's Not Kind, It's Spineless
Advice

A girl I know, “Kelly,” just went on a first date with someone she met on an online dating site. To put it simply, sparks did not fly. He “teased” her and it hit a sore spot; she thought he was maybe a little too obsessive about his interests; and he was clearly more interested in her than she was in him. So, naturally, at the end of the date she agreed to a second one.

Wait, what?

Why did Kelly agree to a second date? She doesn't know. She didn't want to be “mean.” She doesn't think it's actually worth pursuing; she doesn't think the first date suffered from standard first-meeting awkwardness. She really thinks they're incompatible. And yet, she's going to (presumably) go through it all again on a second date – because she doesn't want to be “mean.”

Let me make this perfectly clear: prolonging a relationship when one or both parties is not feeling it is not being nice. Quite the opposite.

Kelly knows this guy is into her; now, if she breaks it off after the second date, he'll wonder what he did wrong. After all, he was the same guy on their first date, and that went fine.

See, no one enjoys breaking a relationship off, even if it hasn't even begun. Contrary to what TV and movies will have you believe, turning down an offer for a even a first date is often painful for both parties. No one wants to be the bad guy.

However, in Kelly's case, she'll have to be the bad guy sooner or later. And later, there will probably be more hurt feelings than if she had declined to meet again after one meeting.

As you go out on your first dates, assess the situation. Sure, there's nothing wrong with having a second date if you feel the first one was too short or busy to really allow you to make up your mind. But if you know for sure that you're not interested, be strong for the sake of you both, and be willing to be the bad guy. It might not be fun, but it's the decent thing to do. Besides, by wasting time on empty dates, you're hindering the both of you from finding true matches. In the long run, it's what's best for you both.

Making Long Distance Love Work
Advice

One of the biggest advantages of online dating is its ability to connect compatible people regardless of their location. Perhaps your future partner lives in a neighboring city, a different state, or a country halfway across the world - no matter where your relationship destiny wishes to take you, online dating can get you there.

Unfortunately, one of the biggest drawbacks of online dating is - you guessed it! - its ability to connect compatible people regardless of their location. What happens if you meet your perfect match online and they live thousands of miles away? Do you pass up on the opportunity to connect with Mr. or Ms. Right because maintaining a relationship seems too complicated, or do you take a chance on love and enter the complex and puzzling world of long distance relationships?

Sustaining a long distance relationship might seem impossible but, although this kind of relationship does present a few hurdles that more traditional relationships do not, having a flourishing long distance love life is not an unachievable goal. How do you do it? Like this:

• Ensure that all parties involved are on the same page. This is the most important rule of long distance relationships. Establish, as soon as possible, the parameters and goals that govern your relationship. Is it monogamous or open? What terms are you using to describe the relationship ("Lovers?" "Partners?" "Boyfriend/Girlfriend?" )? Where do you see the relationship going? Are you willing to relocate if things become more serious? Discussing important questions like these might be uncomfortable, but they can prevent painful misunderstandings later on.

• Indulge in common interests and activities, even when you are apart. Defy the distance by doing things together no matter how many miles separate you. Bonding over weekly phone calls and three-times-daily emails will feel monotonous and repetitive after a while, so integrating other forms of interaction is a necessary step towards sustaining a healthy long distance connection. Read the same book and discuss it. Watch the same movie or TV show simultaneously. Listen to an album together.

• Give each other mementoes. Send letters, share photos, exchange small tokens of your affection, and surprise each other with packages of personal objects. Every time your paramour sees something you sent them, they will be reminded of you, and will feel all the positive emotions that come with being in your presence.

• Share responsibility for the success of your relationship. A one-sided relationship - long distance or not - is guaranteed to fail. Do not expect that your partner will always send the first email, initiate phone conversations, or offer to travel to you. Likewise, you should consider it a sign that someone is not as committed to a relationship as you are if they expect you to bear the burden of maintaining the relationship.

If you're still skeptical about entering a long distance relationship, consider this: only some long distance relationships lead to heartache, but passing up on the chance to be happy with someone because you're afraid of physical separation leads to heartache every time. As long as both partners are dedicated, a long distance relationship is completely feasible.

How being Direct can Help your Dating Life
Advice

I'm a Libra and have tended to be a people-pleaser, especially when it comes to romance. When I went on a date and didn't feel the chemistry was there, I didn't want to let him know. I couldn't be direct about how I was feeling because I didn't want him to be upset with me, or feel like the date was a waste of time. If he asked me out again, I tended to say yes and then cancel. I would avoid emails, thinking eventually he'd get the picture.

Of course, this method was all wrong. And it screwed up my dating life. I spent most of my time and energy in avoidance.

In fact, many times the same thing happened to me in reverse. The men in my life would seem interested in me and then not call. I would make excuses for them or come up with stories to explain their sudden disappearance. In reality, they just weren't interested. But I would have liked to know how they felt, even if it meant being hurt for a little while. It beat wondering what I was doing wrong.

I discovered that in my case, honesty was the best policy. Instead of trying to be nice and letting my date down easy if I wasn't interested in seeing him again, or worse, avoiding him altogether, I learned that saying what I felt was far more important than preserving a man's feelings. Since I would rather know the truth, wouldn't they feel the same?

I'm not advocating being rude when I use the word "direct". Rather, I believe that if you are afraid of hurting a man's feelings by turning him down, you aren't doing him or yourself any favors. Instead of finding excuses like being busy with work or traveling, let him know that you feel the chemistry isn't there. This allows you both to move on, without all the confusion.

When Picture Quantity Determines Quality
Advice

We often talk about the dos and don'ts of online profile picture-taking. However, one thing manages to slip by: the sheer number of pictures involved. Can there be too many? What about too few?

Picture this: you're looking at a profile and it seems pretty appealing. You wonder, though, if maybe the profile is too appealing – is it one of those vague ones designed to hook anyone? To get more of a personality flavor, you check out the additional pictures of Vague Profile Person – who, based on their default picture, does look pretty hot.

...And you find out that the default picture is the only one there! Immediately red flags are raised. Could this default picture be some random image taken from the internet? Is there some unsuspecting hot victim out there who has no idea their sweet visage is being used to lure additional suckers? In short, is this a scam?

Now, it might not be a scam at all. It might be that the person who wrote the profile is a perfectionist, and they only had one picture that they deemed decent. And that's not a bad ethic to have, but sometimes too little information can be suspicious. Besides, sometimes pictures that aren't necessarily the best from an aesthetic standpoint can be gold in terms of what they say about you – the picture where you have a funny face because you're giving a belly laugh, or hanging upside-down on a jungle gym. If you're a perfectionist, consider allowing a little imperfection to shine through.

Then, however, there are people who go too far in the other direction. We've all seen one; the person is seemingly using their profile as a place to dump all their photos. We get twenty pictures of one night on the town, some “art” photos of a fly on the lid of a trashcan, and one sideways shot of the photographer's shoes when they forgot the camera was on. Excess in anything is not good.

So, what's the magic golden number? There's no perfect answer, but I'd say between three and ten varied, interesting shots is a good place to start. Your pictures can say as much about you as your profile does; don't let your quest for the perfect picture keep your true self from shining through.

Where can I go to Meet People?
Tips

Singles ask me one question more than any other...where can they go to meet people to date?

The question seems easy to those who are in relationships...why not go to a bar and start talking to a cute guy or girl? But what happens when you do this a lot, and your dating life hasn't progressed to much more than a few dates here and there?

Well, there are some answers, but if you are serious about wanting a relationship, you have to put in some time and energy into the search process. And don't expect to meet Mr. Right at a bar, unless you're lucky. Going forward, try out some of these suggestions:

Accept invitations to all parties. That's right. If a friend of a friend you just met invites you to a birthday bash this weekend, go. Don't back out because you don't want to go by yourself. Parties are the best places to go when you're single and available, because they will force you to meet new people and expand your network.

Check out local events for singles. Many places are starting to hold networking events for singles, even grocery stores! Scan your local listings of singles mixers, whether it's wine tasting, happy hours, industry events, or speed dating parties. You're bound to find something interesting.

Join online dating sites. Instead of investing your time in just one site, join a few and compare notes. Be proactive in searching and communicating with people. Don't spend a lot of time emailing and phoning...try to get to the meeting quickly so you don't build up false expectations. This is the environment to meet a lot of people.

Do something you love, but in a group. Want to learn to make sushi or hike to the top of Mount Baldy? Check out local classes, sports groups, or whatever hobby interests you and sign up. Doing something you enjoy puts you in a great frame of mind when meeting new people, and attracts others to you.

Try a new dating experience. Heard of dating in the dark, eye gazing parties, or traditional speed dating? Why not try one of these activities out? Even if you don't meet the right person, you could make some new friends that lead you in that direction. Plus, it gives you something to talk about afterwards. New experiences are beneficial, even when they are outside of your comfort zone.

Looking Thoughtful, or Thoughtless?
Advice

When we talk about taking a good default picture for your online dating profile, it's easy to pick on the men. After all, not all men like to smile in pictures. They're more likely to get that intimidating mugshot look going on. The difference between a good and a bad picture can mean the difference between looking approachable and looking downright scary.

However, women are not immune from picture problems. In fact, they often do many of the same things. The major difference lies in how we, the viewers, interpret them.

For example, men and women have the same problem when they try to take a “serious” picture: they don't aim for thoughtful, or studious, or reflective. Instead, they wipe all traces of expression from their face and snap away. And they think this makes a good “serious” picture. In men, that's when you get the scary mugshot face. In women, it tends to get interpreted as “creepy” or “deadeye.” Women do this less than men, but there's still quite a few out there, believe me.

Women are more likely to combine the “deadeye” look with the “cleavage” look, which is why we're less likely to think “mugshot” when we see it. It's easy to see where the woman is coming from; she notices that sexy photos don't often have women giving big toothy grins, so she thinks a more serious face will be more enticing. However, again, there's no expression going on at all. She might still get emails due to the cleavage factor, but honestly, if someone looks only at the cleavage and doesn't care what messages the face is sending at all, you have to wonder if it's the type of person you want to meet.

It's possible for both men and women to take interesting pictures that don't involve baring all the pearly whites; however, your face still has to have an emotion. In your next photo session, try thinking about a funny joke while trying to keep a straight face. If you're going for pensive, try thinking about... anything. Even if it feels like your face hasn't changed, there are minuscule muscle changes going on there that add up to the big picture. Now that digital cameras are more common, it's easier to experiment and see what works for you.

Remember, you don't want to be known as Mugshot Sally or Steve! Take another look at your own default picture: are you sending the right message?

Like Riding a Bike
Advice

Do you remember what it felt like to learn to ride a bike? Not what it's like to ride one now, but the first few times – the awkwardness, the lack of balance. When others hopped on and took off it looked easy, but for you it was like you had to tell your body to do something utterly foreign; each step of the process had to be thought through, and it didn't always feel natural.

Then, of course, one day it clicked. You got on the bike and it didn't feel like you had to remember every little step anymore; you fixed your eyes on a point in the distance and just left. You were one of the people who made it look so easy, and soon the difficulty of learning faded from your mind. Instead of Learning to Ride a Bike, the Challenge, it was Bike Riding: A Skill You'll Never Forget.

For some people, dating is like learning to ride a bike: it's hard. It can feel awkward and unnatural. Every step has to be carefully analyzed. And it's frustrating, seeing others for whom it appears to be the easiest thing in the world.

But there's a light at the end of the tunnel; at some point, something just clicks. Like any other skill, those required in dating – small talk, overcoming shyness, etc – can be learned. Soon you move up the ladder to more advanced challenges: maintaining a long-term relationship, for example. Meeting people or going on a first date becomes easy.

However, like bike-riding, there's only one way you can acquire this skill: practice. Sometimes it means falling over; sometimes you might get scraped knees. Maybe it takes more than one person offering advice, because there's someone out there who will describe what you need to do in just the right way. But don't lose heart; one way or another, you'll get the hang of it. Before you know it, you'll be flying down the block.

Celebrity Hotspot? Online Dating Sites!
Advice

Still convinced that online dating is for losers, outcasts, and socially awkward recluses?

Think again.

Online dating sites have become the preferred method of finding love for countless singles across the globe, and while the average John and Jane Does of the world are creating superstar identities for themselves on dating and social networking sites, real superstars are using the same sites to shed the restrictive skin of their celebrity personas and find love with everyday people.

Some stars have only been rumored to use online dating services, but others are vocal about their use of the Internet to meet their matches. In a 2005 issue of Rolling Stone magazine, for instance, Rivers Cuomo, the lead singer and guitarist of alternative rock band Weezer, told the tale of a failed attempt to join an online dating site. After completing his profile, Cuomo said, the site sent him a message saying "We're sorry, but there is no one anywhere in the world that is appropriate for you." Cuomo abandoned online dating, but found love with Kyoko Ito, who he married in 2006.

Sassy comedienne Joan Rivers has also been open about her use of online dating sites. In her profile on Match.com, she described herself as interested in "coffee and conversation," as well as "smart men, funny men, elegant men." She also added that if she "had to choose between Brad Pitt stripped to the waist or an old George Clooney in a dinner jacket, George would win hands down."

Even the very top of the A list has discussed online dating. Oscar-winning actress Halle Berry talked about experimenting with dating sites and chat rooms with Contact Music, saying "I am never who I am. I have been to a couple of dating ones just to see what everybody is talking about. I chime in and say a little fun stuff."

Sometimes a rumor is all it takes to cause a commotion. When it was reported that Friends star Matthew Perry was a member of Rich Soulmate in 2008, where he described himself as "cute and adorable, yet pained and lonely," so many people visited the site that it crashed. There have also been rumors of Charlie Sheen using MillionaireMatch.com, and Chace Crawford, of Gossip Girl fame, has mentioned an interest in JDate.com, despite the fact that he isn't Jewish. "I have a bunch of different accounts that no one even knows about," he claimed in an interview with Now magazine.

Why are so many celebrities turning to the world of online dating? The answer is simple: they just want to be normal. Shira Kallus from Date.com tells Ed Krayewski that "Online dating lets people get to know you for what kind of person you are, not who you are," allowing the rich and famous to "stop being celebrities and start being people." By using online dating sites, celebrities can put aside their wealth and fame, weed out suitors who are interested in them for superficial reasons, and develop genuine relationships based on who they really are.

So next time you're contemplating rudely blowing an admirer off, reconsider - it just might be your long-time Hollywood love!

Small Town Dating
Advice

When you live in a big city like, say, Chicago or Houston, there's always a chance you could see someone you know on an online dating site, but it's not very likely. The sheer amount of people in the city means you'd probably have to comb through quite a few pages first. However, what if you live in a small town? Well, that's simple; the chances of seeing someone you know goes up. What if it's a really small town, the kind of quirky town that we see on TV and in movies, where everyone knows your name and your business? Well, then bear these Small Town Dating tips in mind.

First, just assume that everyone you know will eventually see or know about your profile. In the long run, life will be easier that way. In theory, you're doing your best to make a good first impression on your online profile anyway, so it shouldn't be too difficult to proofread with the rest of the town in mind. Think long and hard: is this a joke or a picture you'd be comfortable with your grandmother seeing, or your elderly neighbor? You don't want to completely change your writing “voice,” but you might want to save the raciest bits for when you're engaged in flirtatious emails.

Second, consider broadening your range. Maybe you happen to live in a small town, but Chicago or Houston is just a twenty-minute car trip away. That's a major advantage of online dating; you aren't as limited in your search. And let's face it, if your town only has three hundred people in it and you know most of them, at some point you're going to have to look elsewhere anyway.

Finally, remember that if you choose to go on a first date within your town limits, people will probably notice. And they'll probably have opinions. But as long as they don't regale you with their thoughts during the date, is this actually a bad thing? It's not a bad idea to meet someone new in a venue where others know and care about you, and would notice right away if you weren't yourself.

Ultimately, that's the thing to remember about living in a small town; yes, the romantic prospects may be slim, and yes, gossip may be plenty, but it's like having an extended family. You might have to plan your dates around the downsides, and that's fine – but don't forget the advantages.
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Speed Dating : Tips for Success
Advice

I hosted speed dating events for about 6 years, and I often saw the same mistakes repeated again and again. If you've tried speed dating without much success, or if you haven't tried it at all, I'm asking you to reconsider and give it a go.

The key to successful speed dating is all in the attitude, much like regular dating. If you approach the evening as a way to have fun and meet new people, you will walk away happier than if you go in expecting to meet Mr. or Miss Right. It's all about networking and improving your own dating skills. By expanding your social circle, you meet new people and expand your dating options.

If you sign up for a speed dating event in the near future, try following some of these tips and see how you do:

Relax. I see many nervous speed daters because people take it too seriously. It's just a social event! You are meeting several people and seeing if you want to get to know them better. It's not a job interview!

Don't try to tell your life's story in five minutes. Guys, this is for you. Women are looking for connection, not lists of accomplishments. This isn't a contest. Instead of rattling off your successes, try asking them questions and engaging them. You'll get a lot further.

Don't be quick to judge. Women, this is for you. Instead of listing all the reasons why each guy you meet ISN'T right for you, try looking for things you DO like about each one. This will help you recognize the right guy more easily, what's most important to you, and also prevents you from being too quick to dismiss potential dates with great guys who might just be a little nervous or out of their element.

Realize that speed-dating is like online dating, but in person. You have no control over the kind of people you meet at speed-dating, but much like online dating, it provides a filter. With speed dating, you are filtering in person by seeing if there is any chemistry, while with online dating you filter online via pictures and profile. So be open to talking with everyone before you judge.

Should You Date Someone with Kids?
Tips

More singles than ever before are divorced parents. If you want to increase your choices in the dating pool but have no children yourself, should you be open to dating them?

This is an important topic. When you are in a relationship with someone who has children, you are also entering a relationship with their children. They aren't mutually exclusive. So, there are a few things to ask yourself before you get in too deep:

Do I want to be serious with this person? Don't ask to be introduced to your date's children if you aren't sure where the relationship is headed. Children of divorce have enough instability in their lives; don't add to it. Wait until you are ready and feel committed before forming a relationship with the children.

Am I willing to be flexible? Having children is all about flexibility. Schedules change, children require attention, and they need their parents in many situations. If you find yourself constantly disappointed or frustrated because your plans change, this may not be the best situation for you.

Do I want to form a relationship with my date's kids? Ask yourself if you are willing to get to know the kids, to take them out, to have some fun as a family. Forming individual relationships with them is as important as with your partner.

Am I willing to let the children come first? Children require attention from their parents, and often significant others are put on the back burner. The key is flexibility and good communication. Allow your partner to be a good parent, and then they are able to be a good partner to you.

Should Age Differences matter in Dating?
Advice

There are singles of all ages in the dating pool, thanks in part to the high divorce rate and the number of singles waiting until they are in their thirties or forties to get married. Some daters don't mind if there is a significant age gap, while others are hesitant.

So, does age difference really matter when it comes to dating?

A recent study by researchers from the Cardiff School of Health found that women who are online dating still prefer to date men their age or older, despite the enduring popularity of the cougar stereotype. However, a study by AARP in 2003 showed that 34% of women 40 and older were dating younger men. So, do actions speak louder than words?

All relationships are unique, and so it comes down to each couple and how accepting they are of the age difference. If you are dating someone older or younger and are feeling hesitant, here are a few things you may want to consider:

Would you date him if he was younger and less financially secure? Sometimes we gravitate towards security when it comes to relationships, which doesn't make for lasting partnerships.

Are your basic values compatible (trust, respect, good communication)? These attributes have less to do with age and more to do with the kind of person you want to attract.

Is he in good health and does he take care of himself? This is an indicator of how he feels about himself, his energy level, and his motivation and love of life, which are all contributors to a happy relationship. Some 50-year olds have more enthusiasm and energy than some 20-year olds.

Do you want children? Does she want children as well? This is an important question. Remember, just because a woman is 25 doesn't mean she can get pregnant more easily than a 35 year-old woman. It's all about genetics and health, so don't let age be such a deterrent here, guys.

Do you only date younger women? If you have a habit of only dating a certain age range, but haven't had lasting relationships, you may want to rethink your strategy.

Do you only date younger men? If you have a habit of dating younger but these relationships haven't lasted, you may want to rethink your strategy as well.

Are you hesitant about dating her because you're worried about what others think? Instead of focusing on how others perceive you, focus on your compatibility with your partner. Remember, you are the one in the relationship, so it has to work for you, not your friends or family.

Do You Mind If I Blog About This?
Advice

Imagine this: you've met someone great, and had a fantastic first date. Now, maybe through Facebook, Twitter or just plain old-fashioned Googling, you've discovered that your date has a blog. Before you went on your first date, you just loved that it was a peek into the soul, refreshingly honest. After the date, however, you realize that a refreshingly honest post was made about you. Or, worse, there were ones after, about other dates.

Usually when we talk about privacy and our online lives, we're talking about the concrete, real-world facts that can be obtained through social networking sites: our phone numbers, our workplace, even our current location. We forget that we also tend to leave our thoughts and feelings out in the open.

Many bloggers have reached a kind of equilibrium they feel comfortable with: if they've had blogs for years, they probably have some family members and friends who know about it, and choose to either read or not. They're comfortable with the amount of information they disclose, both to the family readers and complete strangers.

A new relationship, however, is someone outside the equilibrium; not someone you've known for years who will love you unconditionally, and not a nameless, faceless stranger. Every blogger will have to figure out what works for them and their new partner on an individual basis; maybe it means leaving the new flame out of the writing, or coming up with a code name.

In the meantime, as you go on first dates, remember that the blog is one more source of information about yourself. Don't assume that because your date hasn't mentioned your blog, it means they haven't read it; they might simply fear coming off as a stalker. Oh, and while I always advocate honesty and would hope that you're not lying to impress at any time, remember that a blog is yet another source of information that can contradict and reveal lies. And, of course, as you blog after dates, be aware that the date in question might be reading.

If the world seems to be shrinking at an alarming rate for you and you're not sure you want the world reading your thoughts, remember that many blogs (and even Facebook) have settings that allow you to keep some or all of your thoughts private. Or you could take advantage of the blog: talking about how much you enjoyed the date might be a way to send a covert message. Stick with what works for you – as long as you're aware of the potential consequences.

Gun-Shy About Online Dating?
Advice

I know a guy who used to use an online dating site. Last week I ran into him and asked him how it was going.

“Oh, I'm not using that site anymore,” he said. “Actually, I'm not doing online dating at all.”

When I asked him why, he replied, “Well, I had a really bad date, so it sort of put me off online dating.”

This is not uncommon to hear, but it's always disappointing. “But wait!” I always want to say. “If you met someone in a bar and it didn't go well, would this put you off bars forever? Or, better yet, dating altogether?” Though the online dating stigma may be fading, it's a sad fact that many users are still a little gun-shy.

So, what if you're one of these nervous Nellies, or you know one? What can you do to calm your nerves about online dating?

Well, first of all, remember that dating is something that is constantly in flux, just like any socialization is. What worked for your grandparents or parents might not work for you – after all, I don't think there are many taffy pulls going on nowadays, and there are still some roller rinks, but not many discotheques. Nowadays, there are tons of dating alternatives – singles nights, singles bars, speed dating – online dating is just one of them.

Additionally, online dating is a fairly traditional way to date. Sure, you might not have met in person, but it's still an old-fashioned method: try to find someone who appeals to you in some way, attempt to start up some form of communication, and if the feeling's mutual, go from there. Relationships have probably been forming in this way, more or less, since cave men grunted at each other. Don't be intimidated by the high-tech trappings.

Finally, remember that one profile or meeting is not indicative of the hundreds of thousands of users out there! That would be like saying one bad driver is representative of everyone else out on the road. Just as you're probably not compatible with every random person you might meet on a Saturday at the mall, you're probably not compatible with every person you meet through online dating. However, online dating has the benefit of at least being able to search out common interests, lifestyles and goals – all without one bad bit of small talk.

And remember – online dating is not a root canal! You're searching for a new friend; it's exciting! Have fun with it, and good luck!

Does Intellectual Compatibility Matter in Dating?
Tips

When it comes to relationships, mutual chemistry and attraction are great, but what about compatible intellects? If you love spending time with someone special, but you don't really have much to discuss, there could be a problem.

There are a few questions you can ask yourself to see how important intellectual compatibility is to you in a relationship. If your partner reads The Wall Street Journal every day while you prefer to cut loose and watch Jersey Shore, there are some compromises to make.

Do you and your partner treat each other with respect? Maybe one of you enjoys discussing politics and having stimulating debates while the other prefers to play video games. But do you respect each other's interests, or do you try and convince each other that you're wasting time? The basis for any relationship is mutual respect and consideration.

Are you open to learning about your partner's interests? If the thought of spending another dinner with your boyfriend discussing the latest batch of action movies disgusts you, there may be a problem. Both of you should be open to learning and growing. If you are only willing to discuss things that interest you, there isn't much room to move your relationship forward.

How important is intellectual compatibility to you? If you find yourself questioning the relationship because you don't have much to say to each other, there could be a problem. If you want someone whose interests align with your own, and you find yourself unhappy in relationships that don't provide this, then you should think about moving on.

Remember, your partner can't fulfill all of your needs. If your significant other loves you, treats you with respect, and is a wonderful partner in many other ways, is intellectual compatibility something you can do without? If you have friends who share your passion, spend time with them. Don't expect your partner to share all of your interests. Others in your life can share your passion about politics, 18th Century English literature, or whatever else you find engaging.

Are You your own Worst Enemy when it comes to Dating?

We've all been there: your love life doesn't go according to plan, and you find yourself back in the dating game again. What can you do to prevent yourself from falling into a pattern of hopelessness? And does this type of thinking prevent you from finding a good relationship?

The short answer is, our thoughts and actions influence our lives and potential opportunities. Have you ever been around someone who was continually depressed or negative about her personal life? It's hard to attract a good relationship in this state.

Following are some actions and attitudes that may be sabotaging your love life without you realizing it:

Do you stay in bad relationships, or continue to date people who aren't compatible with you, just to avoid being alone? If this is a pattern, it's time to break things off and spend some time soul-searching on your own. You'll have a hard time recognizing and being available to Mr. Right if you're still involved with someone else.

Do you think "all the good ones are taken"? This is another fallacy, even if you feel like you are surrounded by couples. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 42% of adults over age 18 in the U.S. are single. Surely some of them are great catches! Don't fall for this line of thinking, or you will have a hard time opening up to new people you meet.

Being critical of every new date you meet. Do you find yourself listing off all of the things you don't like about the person you're dating? Instead of concentrating on all of the things you don't want, try recognizing aspects of the other person you find attractive. Make a list of everything you see that you do want. This way, you are able to open up and attract more compatible dates.

Avoiding social situations. If you feel depressed because you are alone, you won't be doing yourself any favors by holing up in your apartment and avoiding parties, dates, and gatherings with friends. Find the motivation to put yourself out there. Accept invitations, mingle with new people, and leave the door open for new relationships to come into your life.