Do You Hate Being Alone?

Being alone is a scary prospect. Maybe you are independent in some ways, like in terms of your career or financial status, but when it comes to relationships you can't picture yourself single for any significant period of time. In fact, the thought of not having someone to turn to in the middle of the night - lacking a partner's support - might make you panic.

Do you jump from relationship to relationship? Do you avoid breaking up with someone who isn't right for you in order to avoid being alone? Do you demand too much, too soon from new relationships because you miss that feeling of intimacy?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, the thought of being alone probably frightens you. Are you willing to let these thoughts go, to change your attachment to relationships? Maybe jumping from one relationship to the next isn't serving you, and is leaving you feeling more desperate and alone after each break-up. But it doesn't have to. You are in more control than you think. You have the power to choose to love someone because you want to love him, not because you need to have love in your life.

It's time to turn those feelings around, so instead of acting out of fear, you'll be standing on firmer, healthier ground. When you are in a better place you will have an easier time finding the right person. More importantly, you can feel safer that you will find the right person instead of another Mr. Right Now. You can feel more secure.

First, I ask you to do these exercises. When you're head and heart are in a more supportive space, you can make better decisions about who to love:

Practice gratitude. Daily reflections on what you have in your life right now can shift your thinking. Often, we're so focused on what we want that we neglect to acknowledge all we have. But it's just as important. List five things every day that you are grateful for.

Understand you are whole. You don't need someone else to be "complete." You are a perfectly whole, capable, loving human being. Instead of assuming that you have a "better half," concentrate on all that you are right now.

Rely on your support network. Friends and family are invaluable, so don't forget about them when you're thinking about a new love. They provide support when we're low and between break-ups, and they are there to celebrate with us, too when good things happen. Cherish them.

Pursue what you love. Instead of focusing on a new relationship, think about other areas of your life where you can experience something new. Is there a hobby you've always wanted to try? Do you want to start painting again? Nourish activities you love, which can be fulfilling, too.

Are You Settling?

Women place a lot of expectations on themselves when it comes to relationships. We invest emotionally, even when we aren't sure how he feels. We think that if we work hard to show a man how much we love him, how much we're willing to sacrifice, he's bound to love us back.

Life often doesn't work this way.

It's hard to be single, especially when you see your friends getting coupled up, one by one. Maybe you join a slew of online dating sites hoping to meet the right person, or maybe you decide the man you're dating could be the right one, so why not commit to him? Unfortunately, when you choose a partner based on a timeline instead of your own conviction and happiness the relationship will likely fail.

When women date, especially as we grow older, we can accumulate a sense of urgency (the biological clock) as well as a sense of fear (we'll never meet the Right One and we'll be alone forever). So our choices seem very limited and we panic. Maybe we reach out to the first available guy, or maybe we commit to a man who doesn't really care to be in a relationship, just to avoid being alone, or maybe because we think that's all we can have. But in reality - it's quite the opposite. More than half of the U.S. adult population is single. That's more than enough choice. The key is being patient enough to find the person you really want, and having the courage to communicate your needs.

Following are some tips to help you embrace dating instead of the fear of being alone:

Take it slow. When we feel chemistry with a man, it's hard to stop ourselves from jumping into a relationship headfirst. We want to fall in love! The problem is, we can't know someone after one or two dates, so we have no idea what he wants or who he is. How many times have men just disappeared after a great date? So even if you do feel chemistry, it's best to take things slow. Really get to know him, and take your time. There's no rush to the finish line when it comes to forming a lasting relationship.

Communicate your own needs. Are you the one who's always making plans or calling, only to have him cancel at the last minute? Do you find yourself wanting more every time you're together - more intimacy, more communication, more attention? Maybe it's time to stop chasing him, and move on to someone who does the pursuing. There's no use trying to move a relationship forward if you're the only one doing it. You deserve someone who feels the same way about you.

Don't settle when it comes to love.

Embracing your Dating Life as a Single

Many of us are so focused on the destination, we rarely enjoy or appreciate the journey to get us there. I believe this is very true with dating. We're so focused on finding the right person - the one who will make us happy - that we tend to forget about what brings us happiness right now.

The journey is as important as finding that special someone. In all likelihood, you're not the same person you were five years ago. Your relationships help you evolve, whether or not they last for years or just a few short weeks. All of our dating experiences, no matter how brief, contribute to who we are right now.

Instead of focusing on the end goal of finding Mr. or Miss Right, I suggest to start 2024 on a different note. Embrace your single lifestyle instead.

It's time to look at dating from another perspective. We're so tied to the idea of our Mr. Perfect (maybe you've even made a wish list of everything you desire in a perfect partner) - that we don't really see the person in front of us when we're dating. Maybe he doesn't rock your world in terms of chemistry, or maybe he's not physically what you pictured but he makes you laugh, or maybe his career and education don't match yours but he's smart, sweet and kind. Are you going to agree to a second date, or just write him off because he's not what you imagined?

I suggest that if you're uncertain or indifferent about a first date, you agree to go on at least three dates with him/her before you decide he just isn't for you. The point is, sometimes our preconceived notions of who someone is clouds our judgment. You can't know someone after only one date - even the person you felt incredible chemistry with. It takes time, so be willing to spend it. Plus, you'll probably get to know some interesting people along the way.

Sometimes it's hard to put yourself out there, too. Meeting people requires effort - it requires you to get out of your house when sometimes you don't feel like it. Occasionally it might feel like another job. But it doesn't have to. A few tweaks to your priorities and schedule can help.

For instance, instead of lining up several coffee dates (snooze - don't you feel like you have the same old conversations?), try doing something you like instead. Want to squeeze in a workout? How about indoor rock climbing with your date? Or if you would like to take your dog to the park, suggest you walk dogs together. Just think of what you'd like to do anyway and incorporate it into a date. It makes the date more interesting and more fun, and helps motivate you to keep meeting more people.

Happy dating!

Valentine’s Day Ideas for Singles

February 14th is around the corner, which is typically not a holiday singles get excited about. Maybe you see co-workers getting fancy flower arrangements or chocolates, or happy couples embracing in the street, and you would rather the holiday just pass quickly so all the fuss could stop.

But Valentine's Day isn't just about couples, it's a actually a celebration of love in general. When I was single, I made sure to celebrate with my friends, who were my ultimate support network. Others might want to treat themselves to something they've always wanted to do. There's no reason to sit out this holiday just because you're single. Make it a point to celebrate. It's all about love.

Here are some ideas for whatever makes you happy.

Celebrating with friends:

Dinner and a movie. Do you want a relaxing night at home? Gather a group of friends together and make it a potluck, or cook dinner together and enjoy it with a good movie. Don't feel the need to watch a rom-com; there are plenty of comedy shows and stand-up acts that will make the evening a little more fun.

Listen to music. Sometimes, there's nothing better than hanging with your friends and listening to some live music. Is there a dive bar near you doing anything special, or a smaller theatre where local bands perform? You don't have to spend a lot of money or include a date to make it a memorable evening.

Meeting men:

Going out with the girls. Valentine's Day is actually the best day to meet eligible men. The taken ones are with their significant others, wining and dining - but you and your friends can go to a bar or club and be sure you're meeting men who are truly single.

Sports bars. Where is the best place to be on Valentine's Day if you want to meet men? Go where no guy would venture to take his significant other on February 14th - the local sports bar. Enjoy a game and a beer and have fun chatting it up with lots of single men.

Taking care of you:

Book a spa appointment. If you're not excited about getting together with friends, treat yourself. This is a day to take care of you, so book a massage or facial and enjoy. Relaxing at a nice spa is a great way to spend your evening, and you'll be in good company.

Sign up for a new class. Maybe you're looking for something a little different to move your life forward. Have you been wanting to take an Argentinian cooking class or check out Zumba? Have you always wanted to rock climb? Now is the time to explore - on Valentine's Day.

Would You Announce Your Single Status With A Bracelet?

I've seen a lot of unusual things in my years spent exploring the on- and offline dating industries, but this strikes me as one of the odder ones.

It's called the MY Single Band, and it's a bracelet that advertises your singlehood. Essentially, it's the single person's equivalent of a wedding ring - a piece of jewelry that identifies your relationship status and encourages or discourages approaches from others. Except the brightly colored MY Single Bands won't set you back nearly as much as a diamond.

"What if you could identify everyone who is single?" asks MY Single World. "The more we thought about the idea of identifying single people, the more we realized the extent to which we take a passive approach to meeting others." Online dating is helping singles take a more proactive approach to their love lives, but offline dating lacks tools that facilitate connection and discourage passivity. "Through increased connectivity, MY Single Band gives fate, future and destiny a helping hand," the site continues.

If that doesn't already sound like an over-the-top mission, just listen to what the site's creators, Rob Young and Rina Mardahl, have to say. The pair claim that the silicone wristbands are the "future of dating" and that, if they catch on, MY Single Bands are poised to put online dating out of business. Sounds like a tall order, if you ask me. One that isn't likely to come through any time soon.

In theory, by wearing the Livestrong-esque MY Single Band, you announce your status to the world in hopes that someone will spot the bracelet and start a conversation. It's a nice thought, but does it stand any chance of working in reality?

Plenty of engaged (or married, for that matter) women can attest that sporting a ring on their fingers doesn't do much to deter men from approaching them. What are the odds that a brightly colored bracelet will do the opposite?

Then there's the simple problem of recognition. Unless a whole bunch of singles suddenly become aware of MY Single Bands and their significance, they won't be useful for anything more than accessorizing. And with so many similar rubber wristbands on the market, MY Single Bands could easily be mistaken for a bucketload of other things.

There's also the stigma situation. Online dating lugged around a sense of shame for years, one that announcing your availability via a bracelet could easily adopt. The site's owners are convinced their bracelets would shed those concerns quickly, but I have my doubts. I'm all for adding a little color to my wardrobe, but I don't think I'll be using it to find dates any time soon.

Single
Hearing From the “Hook-Up” Generation
Single

A recent article in Time Magazine focuses on the so-called “hook-up culture,” which has become a subject of much concern and debate. Particularly from older Americans who graduated from college a while ago. Now, the students and twenty-something are speaking out.

The writer of the Time article complained about the media coverage of a college professor in Boston named Kerry Cronin, who requires her students to go on a “real date” as part of their class credit. “No thanks,” the writer says in her article, “I’m here to inform that professor that we 20-somethings don’t need help, thank you very much.”

She goes on to reference statistics to disprove that hook-up culture is an epidemic, citing less than 15% of college students have more than two hook-ups per year. Also, “hooking up” means anything from sharing a kiss to having sex, so the lines are a little blurry as to how much people are engaging in risky behavior.

She also argues that it’s much more natural to socialize with people and get to know them in groups and at parties where it feels more organic, rather than over coffee and forced conversation. While she makes good points, she also admits that it is easier for her generation to hide behind a screen, especially when it comes to being rejected. Text is the preferred method of interacting, rather than asking someone out face-to-face as Professor Cronin argues they should.

Her points are valid, but there is definitely room for improvement. While college students (at least in the past couple of generations) have engaged in a higher level of casual sex and hook-ups than at other times in their lives, there does seem to be a shift in college students’ thinking today. Because they are attached to their smartphones, pulling them out at parties or in dorm rooms instead of engaging with the people sitting next to them, they aren’t really learning how to be alone together, to engage in conversation without distraction. This doesn’t help them learn to communicate better in relationships.

Also, there is the drinking that goes on at college. Much of the hooking up takes place after indulging at parties, which means people aren’t making the best decisions when it comes to their bodies.

But does all this mean they aren’t prepared for dating?

I think that college provides a good backdrop for learning how to interact and flirt. There are plenty of single, available people who you have something in common with – which likely you wouldn’t encounter again. So why not experiment with dating in a group setting, among your friends?

All of the formal asking out will happen once they graduate. And even then, hook-up culture exists in even more removed ways – through dating apps like Tinder. Dating is still part of growing up, no matter how you try to avoid the particulars.

More than Half of Americans have Never had a One-Night Stand

Olympic athlete and heartthrob Ryan Lochte has been quoted saying he’s never had a one-night stand (even while people were hot and heavy on Tinder in Olympic Village). And he’s not alone. Most Americans – 53% - claim they’ve never had a one-night stand.

A new study by Dating Advice found that while most Americans haven’t participated in this type of casual sexual encounter, men were more likely to have participated than women. Sixty-four percent of women said they’ve never had a one-nighter compared to only 41% of men in Lochte’s camp, which means that traditional gender roles when it comes to sexuality are still at play in American society.

Age was a factor in the study. Americans aged 18 to 24 had a 25 percent higher likelihood of saying they’d never had a one-night stand than those aged 25 to 34. The age difference makes sense, as there might be more life experience or opportunities for casual encounters as you get older and break away from your college relationship, opting instead for clubs and bars with other singles.

Not surprisingly, those who are married are also least likely to have had a one-night stand, with 56% saying they had never. On the other hand, only 41% of divorcees have not had one-night stands, compared to 50% of singles who have never been married.

There seems to be a distinction between straight and gay Americans, with only 32% of gay people saying they’d never had a one-night stand compared to 54% of straight people. As for race, 45% of African Americans and 47% of Latinos have admitted to never having a one-night stand compared to 74% of Asians.

It seems there isn’t much difference among income earners, with about the same percentage of people earning less than $25,000 a year saying they’ve never had a one-night stand compared to those earning $125,000 or more at 56% and 55% respectively. However, those earning in the median range from $75,000-$99,000 were the most likely to have had a one-night stand, with only 49% saying they hadn’t.

As expected, the South and Midwest are more conservative, with 54% of their residents saying they’d never had a one-night stand compared to the Northeast at 50% and the West at 51%.

The study surveyed 1,080 respondents over the course of three weeks, balancing responses by age, gender, income, race, sexuality and other factors in order to accurately represent the U.S. population.

Too Lazy to Text your Girlfriend? Can you Attract Women with your Voice? There’s an App for That!

Let’s say you want to keep your girlfriend’s interest but don’t want to invest the time to text her sweet or flirtatious messages. Turns out, there’s an app for that - BroApp, a new dating app that calls itself “your clever relationship wingman,” can help you out.

With inspiration presumably drawn from guys who didn’t want to deal with the lofty expectations of girlfriends to text every now and then, the BroApp automatically messages your girlfriend sweet things at the times you request. Of course, you can be creative and write your own texts which are stored in the app and doled out at the appropriate times. But the goal isn’t to win her heart over – it’s so you can free yourself up to spend more time with your bros.

The app has a few complications figured out, too. It will not send messages if it detects that you are at your girlfriend's house (by being connected to her WiFi), or if you have recently messaged her on your own. Well, at least there’s that.

New Match.com Singles in America Study Released

The results are in from Match.com and their annual Singles in America survey, and it seems that people are still looking for happily ever after when it comes to relationships.

Match.com surveyed over 5,000 singles to find out what they think about dating, love, sex and relationships today. The biggest find? Technology is changing how we meet each other and also how we date. The majority of singles met their last date online (31%) rather than through a friend (only 25%). Also, 29% of singles use video chat to communicate with a date. It turns out they want to see if there is a little virtual chemistry before they agree to meet in person.

It's no surprise however that women are pickier daters than men. The study found that the majority of men will date a woman who is more successful and makes more money than they do, or is more educated. However, the majority of women won't date a man who is less intellectual or shorter than they are.

What about turn-offs? Most singles judge their dates by how confident they are and by their teeth. It's also a turn-off if a potential date has bad grammar or uses text speak when sending an email. Most daters prefer someone who comes across as more educated.

A bit of advice for men: no sexy selfies! This is the number one turn-off for women. And for the guys? Don't text so often, ladies. If he doesn't respond, avoid sending two or three more texts to get his attention. This is the number one turn-off for guys.

Social media is another sticking point as far as turn-offs go. Avoid airing your dirty laundry and venting over Facebook, Twitter, or other social media platforms. It is the number one social media turn-off for both sexes!

Another big take-away from the study: be kind and respectful. One hundred percent of women and 98% of men value being treated with respect in a relationship and make it their number one priority. In addition, a whopping 97% of singles are turned off when a date is rude to the waitstaff at a restaurant and 96% are turned off by bad table manners. So mind your manners!

The best news? People are still romantics. Eighty-nine percent of singles surveyed agree that you can live happily ever after with a partner. And despite how much people seem to be hooking up, and the majority of singles are looking for commitment and want to get married.