Breakups advice

The New Normal
Advice

It can be difficult to get advice about dating and love from friends and family members; often, the difficulty exists because of cultural differences. “Cultural differences” doesn’t just refer to customs from another country; it can be a generation gap, or even a regional one. After all, while your grandmother might not have had an arranged marriage, she might have met her husband at a chaperoned taffy pull. Not many of those around today.

Similarly, using an online dating site can cause a cultural disconnect. Sure, dating is just dating - two people meet, fall in love, live happily ever after. Still, for some the method obscures the motivation.

How do we cope with the cultural difference? Well, try coming up with something the audience can connect to. For example, for more old-fashioned friends and family members, try underscoring the similarities to traditional dating instead of the differences. Getting to know someone online through emails and profiles is, in some ways, more “traditional” than hooking up with someone at a bar. For those who feel online dating is too much of a commitment for “someone you haven’t met in person,” remind them that you’re just agreeing to a date or meetup, not a marriage, and in fact it’s quite similar to giving your phone number to someone you’ve just met.

However, the biggest cultural obstacle may be your own internal prejudices and pre-conceived notions. Online dating sites are still relatively new; not everyone who signs up with a profile truly believes they could meet someone compatible. Dating is, in some respects, a numbers game, and only when you truly commit to the process (sending out first-contact emails, updating your profile and pictures faithfully, encouraging conversations) can you maximize your chances of success. Don’t let doubt and skepticism hinder you.

As for everyone else, try to have a little patience when you get the occasional raised eyebrow at the phrase “online dating.” We all have our own cultural norms - and to you a chaperoned taffy pull might not sound like romance in the making!

Are Single Dads a Turn-Off when it comes to Dating?

When I was online dating, if I was matched with a single Dad I immediately hit the "delete" key. Single fathers came ready-made with baggage, and I wanted no part. Ironically, I ended up marrying one.

A recent article in news website the Star noted that nearly 70% of childless Canadian women on eHarmony refuse to be matched with men who have children. On the other hand, 63% of men won't be matched with single Moms.

"Children add an extra layer of challenge to dating," says Dr. Gian Gonzaga, senior director of research and development for eHarmony Labs. "The concern women have is that they can never be the only person in his life because there is a child who is going to take some of his attention."

While dating a single parent definitely presents additional complications, should it really be a deal-breaker? After all, roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce, and many divorcees have children. They make up a large portion of the single population, so should they be dismissed by those who don't have children?

I was open to the idea of dating my current husband despite my reservations, and as a result I've found a fulfilling relationship that I never expected. Part of the reason I fell in love with him was because I saw how he interacted with his children. I saw the caring, nurturing side, and not just the candidate for a boyfriend.

However, I will say that it takes some adjustments, and it's not for everyone. There are times when it can be difficult and emotional, and other times when it's very rewarding to spend time with someone else's children. It depends on your relationship with the person you're dating, and his relationship with his children.

According to the Star, Patti Henry, a psychotherapist and author of The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing tells her female clients to look for signs when they consider dating a single father. "If he's protective of his children by not wanting the woman to meet his kids for like six months, green flag. If he gets his emotional needs met by other adults . . . and not his children, green flag. If he is wise with his children when they screw up . . . green flag."

If you are a single parent looking to try online dating, check out our list of Single Parent Dating Sites. These niche dating services are tailored made for singles with children and singles who do not mind if their matches have children.

Baggage, or Lack Thereof
Advice

I know of a man who has a bit of an unusual prejudice when it comes to dating. It has to do with what he calls “baggage.” You see, he’s not that far from age forty, and he’s well aware that women his age might very well have been married before, or had children. And he’s okay with that; in fact, if a woman does not have “baggage,” he assumes there’s something wrong with her.

I could dismiss this as simply one man’s strange quirk, but the more I thought about it, I realized that it could stem partially from a societal double standard. Though we logically understand that adult women can have lives that don’t include marriage or children, many people still assume that it’s the primary goal for women aged eighteen and up. It’s sort of funny and unusual that this guy considers women without “baggage” damaged, but a woman thinking the same thing about a man might be looked at even more strangely, because it’s more acceptable for men to stay unmarried for a longer time and focus on their careers.

However, this also brings up another point about adults and the dating world that I’d like to address. When you’re dating and in your twenties, one might consider the whole process more simple - you haven’t lived much beyond college or the first few years of working. Now consider someone double that age, in their forties. They’ve literally lived an entire extra life, one spent entirely as an adult. Maybe they’ve achieved the dreams of their twenty-something self. Maybe life circumstances forced them in another direction. Maybe they’re just now realizing what they truly want in life.

The point is, you can’t always look at “baggage” (or a lack thereof) as any real sort of indicator about where a person is in life and what they want. Maybe they don’t want the same things they used to. Maybe their path was chosen for them. At any rate, are you exactly the same person you were twenty years ago?

As you look at online dating profiles, remember to try to look outside your box, whatever it may be. We never know what strange prejudices could keep us from missing out on a truly great match.

How can I Heal after a Break-Up?

According to several relationship studies, January is the most popular month for couples to split. The holiday season is over and the new year has begun, so it stands to reason that it's a good time to start things off on a clean slate. You may have just broken things off with your boyfriend or girlfriend, or perhaps your ex-love just broke up with you.

Regardless of who initiated the split, break-ups are never easy. Whether you've been together for mere weeks or for years, they leave an emotional impact that sometimes feels overwhelming. What can you do to get over this tumultuous time and look forward to the future? Following are some steps for helping you move on to a better relationship the next time around.

Give yourself a break. Take some time off from dating. We all have a tendency to want to replace the person we've lost. Instead of giving in to the one-night stands or rebound relationships, remember that healing takes time, and must run its course if you are to move on to a healthier relationship with someone else.

Recognize why the break-up occurred. Were there problems in communication? Did your busy schedules prevent you from giving the relationship enough time and effort? Did you grow apart? If you know why the break-up occurred, then you can see what to do differently the next time around.

Admit your own role in the demise of your relationship. Remember, relationships involve two people, not just one, so blaming your ex for everything that went wrong is not a healthy way to leave. If you want to create a happier, healthier relationship the next time around, be willing to admit your faults and try to improve.

Nurture and rediscover yourself. Sometimes, we all need to pamper ourselves and get back in touch with what fulfills us. Treat yourself to a night out with the girls or a spa day. Take up a new hobby that has always interested you. Travel somewhere that you've always wanted to go. Find yourself again while you're solo.

Look forward to the future. Sometimes, it's easier to give in to sadness and go through the motions of your day instead of looking for opportunities and moving forward in your life. It's important to remember that these feelings won't last forever. You'll move on. Just be patient and have faith in the process.

The Why, How, And When Of Breakups
Breaking Up

Did your relationship survive the end of 2010?

If it didn't, you're not alone - statistics show that a breakup is more likely to occur on the first Monday in December than on any other day of the year. Relationships, it seems, are no match for the powerful combination of seasonal affect disorder and a case of the Mondays. Christmas Day, on the other hand, is the least likely day for a breakup, but if you survive December and enter the new year beware of Spring Break and April Fools Day, two more times when breakups are particularly prevalent.

This information comes from the blog of Lee Byron, in a post dedicated to a "series of infographics exploring the sour end of relationships." Byron worked with David McCandless to turn breakup data into easily-digestible charts and graphs, in an attempt to make "the big picture of how we breakup more clear," so that we can "take comfort in just how special the relationships that last truly are."

The When

The first graph, called "Likelihood Of A Break Up Per Day," plots the findings we just discussed, gathered by measuring the frequency of the words "breakup" or "broken up" in Facebook status updates on each day. In addition to the importance of December, March, and April, the study found that February (so much for a holiday dedicated to love!) and the summer holidays are also potentially difficult times for couples, while late July, August, and early September show low instances of breakups.

The How

There are few surprises to be found here: people born after 1984 are twice as likely to breakup via the digital world than people born before 1975. They are also twice as likely to breakup over the phone, and much less likely to end a relationship over coffee than their more mature counterparts. Once again, Facebook was used to collect the data, this time using a now defunct polling app on the site that asked the question "How did you end your last relationship?"

The Why

The reasons for breakups are as varied as the people in the relationships. A review of tweets on Twitter that contained the phrase "We broke up because" revealed an incredibly diverse group of reasons for breakups, from "because I smothered her" to "because we couldn't agree on a sex position." Some reasons were practical ("because of time and distance" ), some were sad ("because I wasn't over a boyfriend who had died" ), and some were downright silly ("because I have a high pitched voice!" ).

Sex played an important role in many breakups. 56% of people surveyed reported being unhappy with their sex lives, and 22% of married people admitted to having an extramarital affair. The highest rate of affairs was found in Turkey (58% of married people), and at 7% the lowest rate belonged to Israel. Cheating was, unsurprisingly, one of the most popular reasons for breaking up - 25% of women and 18% of men claimed it as the reason for the end of their last relationships.

One thing, however, is undisputed: with 3 million first dates every day worldwide, there are plenty of opportunities for breakups!

In Perfect Agreement
Advice

So you’ve finally met someone who seems to have everything in common with you. You have the same interests, and the ones you don’t share don’t scare each other off. You both think tapioca is creepy, and you both tune in to the same bad reality show as a guilty pleasure. Except, wait - your seemingly-perfect new significant other loves that movie, the only one that ever made you walk out of the theater. And though you share the same basic views in politics and religion, some of the finer points are drastically different. Oh no! What’s happening to your perfect new relationship?

When we first meet someone, we’re looking to connect; we’re seeking out the things we have in common. Our commonalities stand out way more than our differences - think about the importance we might place on the fact that we both remember the same obscure cartoon, or that we both prefer to drink coffee before dinner. “Meant to be,” right? And those ten million small differences? Insignificant.

Over time, however, more differences begin to pop up, mostly because your conversations become more varied and in-depth. You move past the stage of coming together as one unit - A Couple - and begin to assert your individuality within the unit.

And really, this is not a bad thing! Yes, it’s convenient when your opinions and experiences match up in every aspect, but it would certainly get boring if you just agreed all the time. It can be shocking when you have the first difference of opinion, or even the first argument, but remember, any good relationship can live through a disagreement - and no one gets along all the time.

Also, remember that you’re interested in the person for who they are, not in a clone of yourself. You should respect your partner and learn from each other - not force one to mold after the other. Ultimately, it’s how you handle your differences, not your similarities, that will determine the health and longevity of your relationship.

Grace Under Pressure
Advice

When we’re about to meet someone new, we do all we can to make sure the first impression we receive is an accurate one. We send emails backs and forth, and scour them for red flags; we try to “listen to our gut,” we try to have a meaningful first conversation without appearing too strange or overzealous ourselves. We want to absorb as much information out of that first meeting as we can.

However, sometimes, despite our best efforts, it’s simply impossible to get the whole picture. Because, simply, a first date is a pretty controlled situation. And by that, I mean both members are in control. If any date is planned down to the last detail, it’s probably that one.

And think about yourself: yourself when you’re in control, and when you’re not - when you’re stressed. Are you exactly the same person?

Some people have different thresholds of stress, and it could days, weeks, or even months until you see that Other Side of your date. Maybe they’re the sort of person who freaks out on the very first date if their food comes out wrong - but maybe they’re not. Maybe they’re calm, and cool as a cucumber, until they’re under life-changing amounts of stress.

It’s not something you can assess on the first date (and you shouldn’t really want to put your date in stressful situations, anyway). Therefore, what can you do about it?

Well, be observant. Everyday situations typically contain a little stress (driving, for example, or the aforementioned wrong food order). How does your date react to small, manageable amounts of stress? How do they treat others when they’re under stress? Getting worked up is not the same as lashing out at others, or becoming just plain mean.

However, remember: you’re not looking for a perfect date, you’re looking for a good match. You’re not looking for flaws; you’re testing the waters to see if you could live with this behavior. For example, I know a couple wherein the husband is the sort of person who Needs a Plan while traveling. He’s, frankly, not the best traveler; he becomes downright grumpy if he gets lost, or something doesn’t go according to plan.

His wife is the exact opposite: she’ll float through an airport at her own pace if she has her way, and delays and cancellations are just a way of life. “Sure,” she confided, “It would be nice if he were more relaxed about travel. But this is about as bad as he ever gets, and we don’t even travel that often. Small price to pay for someone I like the rest of the time.”

Observing how someone reacts in stressful situations is a good indicator of how they’ll be when life inevitably throws its curveballs. But make sure you don’t obsess over seeing them crack. Maybe, instead of being too good to be true, your date is actually just right for you.

Are you Giving too much in the Relationship?
Advice

Let's face it...most of us enjoy doing little favors for our boyfriends or girlfriends. We like to show our love in various ways, which is a good thing. But when does giving become an unhealthy thing and make the relationship one-sided?

First, reciprocity in any relationship is key. Every relationship requires time and attention. Ask yourself if he (or she) is doing the basics:

Does he call you when he says he will?
Does he follow through with plans he makes to see you?
Does he treat you with respect and affection?
Does he do things for you without expecting anything in return?
If he isn't treating you with respect, then it's time to let him go. Sometimes however, the evidence isn't so cut and dry.

I see some women who are in what I would call "tentative relationships". That is, a woman is dating a man who hasn't let her know if he considers her a girlfriend. They date, or maybe they sleep together, but he keeps her at a distance. She doesn't ask him outright where she stands because she's afraid he'll just leave her, or she'll look like a fool. Instead, she compensates by doing favors for him, hoping to win his affection.

For instance, she stops by his house to bring him dinner, or she gives him small gifts. He tells her he appreciates these things, but he does not return the favor and does not pursue her, introduce her to friends, or treat her like a girlfriend. This is not a balanced relationship. She is doing most of the giving, and receiving very little in return. This will eventually create animosity in her, and he will not respect her.

If you find yourself in this situation, my advice is to be honest with your love interest. Everyone deserves a relationship built on mutual respect and affection, and if you are feeling like things are one-sided, it's likely true. Ask him how he feels and what he wants. Even if he's not interested in a "real" relationship with you, at least you know where you stand and you can move on. It will save a lot of heartache and confusion down the line.

Bottom line: if you are trying to convince someone to love you by doing things for him, stop. If he is truly interested, his actions will speak louder than his words. If you are the only one putting effort into your relationship, it's time to move on.

Is Your Voice Being Heard?
Advice

So you’ve constructed a new profile for an online dating site. You’ve got a good picture, and you’ve made sure the text is limited to a few paragraphs. You have an eye-catching headline. You’re good to go, right?

Well, maybe, but don’t put away that editing pen just yet. Sometimes, we get so caught up in the mechanics of good profiles that we forget one major point: someone is going to read this. Someone should want to meet you, or at least learn more about you, based on reading these few paragraphs. So ask yourself two major questions: Does it sound like you? And, more importantly, is it interesting?

Think of a profile as less like a resume and more like the beginning of your first meeting. Thus, the tone of the profile should far less professional, and far more conversational. Keeping this conversational aspect in mind when you’re writing it can actually lead to a more structurally sound profile, as well: after all, in an informal meeting, you wouldn’t give an endless laundry list of your accomplishments and skills, would you? Nor should you in your profile. Thus, pretending you’re having a conversation leads to something more natural and readable.

When we spend too long editing and re-editing our profiles, we can sometimes eradicate every trace of our personality. This is doing a disservice to ourselves in two ways. First of all, if you sound too generic, your profile could be passed over altogether. Secondly, the profile should hopefully be a glimpse into your “voice.” If your emails are drastically different than your profile, your potential match may wonder who you really are. Now, most people understand that a quickly-written email is different from a carefully worded profile, especially when they have profiles of their own. Still, make sure you can find at least a glimmer of yourself in your profile.

‘Style’ can be an intimidating word in the world of writing, but in the realm of online dating profiles it simply means we want to hear your voice. Are you truly being heard?

Not a Last Resort
Advice

One of the most common misconceptions about online dating is that it’s a “last resort” - somewhere you turn when more traditional methods of meeting people don’t work. While it’s true that online dating sites are a viable alternative if other methods aren’t working, to only consider them when all else has failed is doing online dating a massive disservice.

A friend of mine, “Ted,” recently created an online dating profile. Some of his other friends were surprised. “But you have no problem meeting women!” they said.

It’s true, Ted doesn’t have a hard time getting dates. However, he definitely hasn’t found the right person yet. And he’s come to realize that all the women he’s been meeting and dating have a certain “type.” In his words, “They’re the same person!”

Thus, Ted is utilizing an online dating site to find women outside his personal box, ones with different interests. Perhaps the new approach will work for him; I hope it will. Regardless, good for him for trying to change up his dating patterns. Online sites are a perfect way to do so.

There are other reasons to use online dating sites other than as a “last resort”: for example, getting a jump on meeting people as you’re getting ready to move to a new location. You can use them for finding other people in your vast community who share a specific, uncommon interest. And, of course, they’re particularly useful for those who have unusual or busy work schedules. In essence, online dating sites can be a one-stop-combo of classifieds, library bulletin boards, and singles bars.

Really, why wouldn’t you include an online dating site in your social repertoire? Of course, I’m preaching to the choir, but sometimes even those familiar with the benefits of online dating tend to perpetuate the stereotypes. Therefore, remember that we shouldn’t recommend online dating only to those who are having trouble; recommend it to those who are dating, period. Perhaps soon, the easiest, most logical option will also be the most popular!

I Love to See You Smile

You’ve probably heard time and time again that it’s good to smile in your online dating profile default pic - and for the most part, this is true. After all, when you smile, you typically avoid that “mugshot” face. You appear less intimidating and more approachable. And we subconsciously mirror the expressions we see, so if someone sees you smiling, they’ll smile back - and probably feel more warmly toward you as a result.

However, this only really applies when it comes to genuine smiles - and most people can tell the difference, consciously or not, between a genuine smile and a fake smile. Therefore, if you have a candid photo where you’re laughing or smiling naturally, it’s almost always good to include it, even if you think you look silly. Most of us don’t have a photographer on hand to make us laugh, however, and we wind up trying to take our own self-portrait. And when it comes to a genuine smile, that can be tricky.

One of the upsides to digital cameras is that you can take endless amounts of pictures and delete them if they’re bad. However, I’ve seen some people become too picky. They might have a great photo of their smile, but reject it because a piece of hair is out of place. Think about the profiles you’ve seen of other people: do you remember the details, or the general emotions they stirred?

By far the biggest problem in self portraits lies in the windows to the soul: the eyes. A tell-tale sign of a fake smile is the eyes. In most people, eyes crinkle up a bit at the corners when they’re genuinely happy. However, I know people who purposely widen their eyes when they take a photo - because they don’t want to look too “squinty.” Have you ever seen someone with a wide smile and equally wide eyes? Plainly put, it looks creepy.

If you’re looking to smile in your online profile photos, try to smile for legitimate reasons. Put on a funny movie in the background. Loosen up and take photos of silly faces to make the camera less intimidating. And remember, it’s far better to go for a real smile that might not be the most flattering ever, than a perfectly polished picture with a false, scary grin.

Dating Mistakes to Avoid in 2011

As we say goodbye to 2010, we should also say goodbye to some dating habits that didn't serve us in the past. I've put together a list of dating don'ts so that you will see better results (and have a better time in the process) in 2011.

For the men:

Don't be cheap. Sure, women should offer to pay on a date, but have some class and offer to pick up the tab. You can choose where to go...if you don't have much money, don't go to a trendy restaurant...we like creative choices better, like an art gallery opening or picnic in the park. Use your imagination.

Don't be a flake. Most women complain about men who don't call back, cancel plans frequently, or otherwise show disinterest. If you like her, call her and ask her out. If not, tell her she's not for you.

Leave the past behind. If you just broke up with your girlfriend, your new date doesn't need to hear about it. Even if she's a "great listener", she'd rather be getting a root canal than listening to all the things your ex has done wrong. Give it a rest, and focus on your date.

For the women:

Don't be a gold-digger. While it's nice if a man takes you to nice places and pays for everything, offer to pay for something yourself. Whether it's valet parking, the tip, or some drinks, he deserves some courtesy so he doesn't feel like you're taking advantage.

Don't get drunk. Maybe having a drink or two helps you relax, but if you drink quickly and find yourself losing control of your senses, you put yourself in a vulnerable position, especially if you're meeting your date for the first time. Slow down.

Don't talk excessively. Even if your job is interesting, your day was filled with drama, or you like just chatting it up, don't spend the evening talking about your life, problems, etc. It's better to ask questions and engage your date, and spend a little more time flirting. Remember, you're trying to get to know your date as well as tell him about yourself.