#MeToo need to be educated not cancelled (IW)

According to the New York Times, high powered men are avoiding working with young women because post #MeToo, they’re scared.

As a feminist, my initial instinct is we should solve this by putting all the rich white men on some kind of an island, like a leper colony for sexism. And according to the reaction online to the NYT article, I’m not alone. But here’s the thing: I am never going to get my leper colony.

It might be satisfying to joke about cancelling all white men and how all men are trash, but it doesn’t achieve anything.

Rightly or wrongly (it’s the latter) men are frightened of being accused of inappropriate behaviour by women. And while people like me can shout ‘behave appropriately in the work place and everything will be fine’ until we’re blue in the face, it’s not getting us anywhere.

When it came out that Mike Pence never spends time alone with any woman who isn’t his wife, we all rolled on the floor laughing. Post #MeToo, how many men are secretly following the same rules?

According to the New York Times, women are being passed over by senior men for formal or informal mentoring because those men are worried about what might happen. Men no longer understand the rules of the game, so they’ve decided not to play. It’s almost like senior men have said that if they’re not allowed to sleep with – or at least flirt with – junior women, they don’t want to be involved.

The victims of this resolution will be (of course) be women.

We know that networking and mentoring are huge parts of making professional progress. If men are afraid to be alone with young women it means that they miss out on drinks, dinners, business trips and meetings.

To be fair to these men, the rules do seem to have changed – fast.

It is easy to tell men not to assault women – easy and vital. What is much harder to convey is the way in which some men make some women feel uncomfortable

Lots of us have had a boss whose gaze lingers too long, who looks down at your chest while you’re talking or makes ‘flattering’ comments. The kind of boss who tells you that your boyfriend is a ‘lucky guy’ and brushes his hands over your waist while passing you in a corridor.

That’s the stuff that is confusing, the grey area. It’s not assault. It’s not evil. And for some women it would be totally harmless and fine. But for others it’s intimidating, upsetting and uncomfortable.

I’ve seen dozens of women on Twitter today saying that men who don’t want to mentor young women because they’re nervous about #MeToo shouldn’t be in the workplace. And I understand that frustration and anger, truly I do. But these men are not going anywhere. They are the bosses. The shareholders. The CFOs. They will not be shifted.

We cannot ‘cancel’ these men, so instead we need to create better working practices.

When you put a load of adults in an office there will be shagging, because that’s what humans do. But for instance some US based companies now have a policy where employees of any grade who wish to date need to make a confidential declaration to HR that neither party feels coerced.

The internet is teeming with brilliant examples of how consent works – look at the tea analogy, or The Rock test (if you wouldn’t do it to The Rock, don’t do it to someone you work with.) But the kind of men who are mentors at huge finance companies don’t read #LongReads about consent metaphors.

Perhaps it’s naive, but I can’t help thinking that an actual half day training session for senior men about what is and isn’t appropriate, where they are exposed to things like The Rock test, might help clear this problem up.

There are those who would argue that men are not confused or scared, they’re just unwilling to mentor women who they can’t fuck or at least objectify. And to that I said, let’s call their bluff.

Men are allegedly confused about where the line is, so let’s clarify.

If we strip away any confusion about appropriate behaviour, then men can’t use the ‘I don’t know what I am and am not allowed to do’ excuse anymore

It’s not a sexy answer to the problem, I realise that.

Expecting women and companies to teach the finer details of consent to powerful men feels like an unfair burden.

These people are educated, rich and powerful. They should already know that ‘I like your jumper’ is a fine comment, and ‘I like the way that jumper fits your body’ is not. But if we want to make progress, I can’t help thinking that we’re going to have to do some work.

Women have always been expected to do things nicely, to create change through speaking softly and massaging male egos. Is that fair? No. Is it right? Absolutely not. But is it regrettably still the best way to get things done? I’m afraid so.