I'm 22M and I'm honestly so exhausted and heartbroken from giving my all to people who don’t feel the same way. Right now, there’s this girl I’m really interested in at my workplace. I’ve liked her for about a month now, and I made it clear that I’m into her. But even after all this time, she shows no sign of being interested back. I’ve tried so many ways to show her how much I care, to make her see that I love her and that I’d do anything for her. But it’s like she’s completely indifferent, and I can’t understand why.
What really hurts is seeing how she talks to my friend casually, like there’s no issue, while with me, she either ignores me or seems uncomfortable. I’ve tried talking to her, putting myself out there, and making an effort to be there whenever she needs something. But the more I show, the more it feels like she’s pulling away and avoiding me. I’m at a loss because my friend keeps telling me to “do more,” that I should keep trying to win her over, but I feel like I’ve done everything I can—and it’s only making things worse. Sometimes I wonder if she dislikes me, and the harder I try, the more distant she seems to get.
Just recently, we had a small company party, and I went out of my way again to show how much I care. At one point, she mentioned wanting something to eat, so I made the effort to find and buy it for her. I wanted her to see that I’m paying attention and willing to do these little things for her. And when the party ended, I even asked her to let me know when she got home safely, just so she’d see that I genuinely care about her well-being. But even after all of that, she didn’t reach out, didn’t text, and seemed like she was avoiding me even more.
It’s painful because I’m left questioning if there’s any hope at all. Maybe she’s still hung up on her ex who hurt her, or maybe she’s interested in someone else. But no matter the reason, it’s clear that my feelings aren’t being reciprocated, and it’s hard to keep trying and putting myself through this. It really hurts, and I don’t know if there’s anything left I can do. It feels like I’m giving my heart away only to get nothing in return.
2.His question:
Mocked by woman in texting stage for saying that I wanted separate checks on a +$100 per plate date.
I thought I had a really good thing going with a woman until she suggested a very expensive place. I do not like expensive food for its own sake, but am still a foodie and saw it as a chance to indulge myself regardless of how the date went.
However, the problem is that I didn't want to pay for both of us, for several reasons:
I express and receive love in other ways than money and gifts.
I believe paying for very expensive dates is a vestige of rape culture since it can create a ton of pressure for the woman to consent to things she doesn't want to, or make men think sex is part of an unspoken exchange. Imagine the sexual entitlement that some people feel when paying $200-300 for a night out, since it approaches sex work prices. There's a catastrophic possibility that one person's courtesy is another person's covert contract. It make me feel creeped out, even if I would never take advantage of that "debt."
I believe in approaching people as equals, and I feel like the demand to pay for dates, especially expensive ones, especially early on, is a double standard where women can be anything but men still have to be providers/gentlemen, etc. It's basically a "modern day freedom for me, traditional gender roles for thee" arrangement, and the man has essentially no moral authority to argue for her to be a traditional woman in return, since "traditional gender roles for everyone" is...see above.
I grew up in a culture that praised independence, and quite frankly I detest the idea of a grown, able-bodied and employed adult who wants what is essentially a stranger to subsidize their luxuries.
I feel like it is dangerously close to sugar dating/pro-lite, and I want someone who loves me entirely for me, without any question if I would stop if the gifts/tribute stopped flowing. I want lust and love, not to feel like I'm the tributary state of some empire.
A first date is not a marriage, or even a relationship. $300 is what a man pays for an anniversary dinner, not after you text him for a week. And even then, I'm still not that kind of man.
It was just so expensive in general. I've paid in full for dates before but not that much.
Still, despite all my reservations I know that some women like expensive dates and the man to pay, so I made it clear upfront that I would insist on separate checks. She initially thought I was joking, then insinuated that my (EDIT: not hers, mine) dad would have paid for my mom when he was my age. I told her I didn't care and do my own thing.
She then continued to pressure me, asking if I wanted what they wanted. I blocked her.
Ultimately, the whole thing made me feel extremely gross and threatened. It may have been my money instead of my body, but it was genuinely triggering of my PTSD to have someone so unabashedly entitled, to then get upset at being told no, to not take it for an answer and try to manipulate me. It set off the same alarm bells as when I dated someone who ended up raping me. I was terrified of what might have happened if I'd gone on a date with her but forgot to clarify. I hate when people undermine the independence of other adults by acting like they're entitled to their money, time, attention, etc., but especially in a romantic or sexual context. If I'd refused, how far would she have escalated, upon learning that a $100-150 expense might be on her? Would she have tried to grab me? Lie to the waiter? Rally a crowd against me?
There are few things more awful and dangerous to me than someone using romantic or sexual roles to pressure someone into trying to do something they don't want to, and the sheer entitlement to men's money that can come into play in some dating circles.
3.Her question
Is chivalry really dead?
TL/DR: Would you, as a man leave your date, a woman to wait an hour for a tow truck after a first date?
My friend (38F) went on a first date with a man (41M) and as she parked she got a flat tire. He tried to help her fix it but some weird lock mechanism didn't allow them to remove the tire to be able to change it.
They decided to proceed with the date and leave it for later. They did try again later in the evening (around midnight) but were still unsuccessful. She calls CAA so they can come and either tow her car or put on the spare and it's going to be a 45-60 min wait.
She tells him she's fine and he doesn't have to wait with her. He says he feels bad leaving her alone but he's tired. She's says she's Ok don't worry. He leaves.
I'm just wondering is this how most guys would handle that situation? Would you leave? And women, would you expect him to stay?
I should specify this isn't a remote area where she would be in danger or anything. Also sex isn't on the table at this point since it's a first date.
4.His question:
Sex bombing. Have other people experienced this?
Sex bombing is something I have experienced from time to time in my dating life as long as 24 years ago. For context I'm 44m in the US. I have noticed this behavior for decades.
I was sex bombed 5 times this year (so far) and twice in last week (just happened to me again last night). Nobody I talk to seems to experience this or had recognized this behavior.
*explanation😘
Sex bombing is like Love bombing but instead of focusing on romantic engagement, it is purely sexual. Because of that, I suspect women do this more than men.
Here's an example and typical scenario.
I connect with a woman either in person or online. We talk and get to know each other. After a few minutes we setup a solid date to meet in person in the next few days. Then within the next 15-30 mins of the conversation, the girl begins to sexualize the conversation (ie begins being provocative on camera or asking about sexual desires/kinks.) Sometimes it leads to full blown phone sex despite my attempts to steer the convo away.
And then, after the conversation, she ghosts. Ignoring the date we had established, just disappears. In rare cases she pulls back without ghosting and cancels the date the day of with little notice.
Theories? Thoughts? Explanations?
Have you ever sex bombed someone? Why not just be honest about your needs? Why pretend you want more? Do you realize it is unethical behavior?
How do you prevent a sex bomber without insulting her and keeping her in a state where she actually wants to meet. I feel like the vast majority of women get insulted if you tell them you don't want to hear that on the first call.
Has any MAN figured out how to deal with a sexbomber? Goal is to meet in person. How to convert.
I'm very exhausted, please be kind, please don't be rude.
5.Her question:
The audacity of men
So, I (18F) installed Hinge and met this guy (19M). We started talking on Instagram.
It had barely been a few hours since we met when he called me cute. I complimented him back, saying that he has Greek God curls that are breath-taking. This man, without hesitating for a second says,"Our children will have curly hair, if we have any".
I was like EXCUSE ME??? WHAT HAPPENED TO HELLO? HOW ARE YOU?
Further, in the same conversation, he asks me for a kiss. (Keep in mind, we're still texting.)
I refuse.
He says something along the lines of, "Please, I'm asking so nicely, it's not something that I do often."
Weird, but still fine.
Then he hits me with, "The saliva in your mouth should know whom it belongs to."
I've never cringed so hard. What dark romance book do you think you're a part of sir????!!
I told him that he doesn't have to pretend to be like a dark romance book character, he can just be his authentic self. I was giving him an out.
Bro said, "I'm not pretending, it just came to my mind so I said it."
I removed him from my followers and unfollowed him.
He then texted me and continued to act offended, telling me I'm "overreacting".
I'm so tired of men sexualizing women from the moment they meet them. Like get to know me, talk to me, take me out on dinner 😭
We're more than just our looks.
Edit:
Guys I have shitty memory, what he actually said was worse. I'm copy pasting his exact text below.
"Every drop of saliva in your mouth got to know that there's someone who's now stealing all of them."
[Also, I wasn't generalising here that all men are like this. I've only ever gotten such texts from guys, that's why I wrote men in the title. I know that creepy behaviour can be exhibited by any person, despite their gender.]
6.His question
Why do women just block men without any discussion or communication
I don't get it, guy is talking to a girl, nothing major happens, but then all of a sudden you find she has blocked you. No reason given, nothing discussed just blocked. Why?
Isnt it better to discuss and say you don't want to talk and give your reasons, at least give him closure and the chance to say something rather than just blocking.
Commuication is so important. I feel blocking is just the easier option.
Please note i am just asking the question to see what reaponses come up. I am not neccesarily talking about me per se. Its just a general question.
Edit.. also i don't mean it is just women. I know men block to, but i feel women do it a lot more.
6.Her question:
Approaching men in public as a plys size woman
Im 31F and since I've gained weight I haven't had a single guy approach me in public in about 7 years. I'm on like 3 different dating apps and I've only had 3 dates this year since July, of those 3 dates one guy ghosted, one guy just wanted sex so I told him I wasn't interested,, and the other one blocked me after the date. I'm having a lot of trouble on the apps.
Considering how I am ready for a relationship and want to keep trying, I want to go up to a guy first. But my only fear is I'll be instantly rejected because of my weight. I'm pretty sure thats the reason men stopped approaching me entirely, and I honestly fear being rejected harshly or someone commenting on my size.
I know people are gonna say I should lose weight first but I don't really want to lose weight. I've tried countless times and have been unsuccessful. I try to eat around the same amount of calories so I don't gain more weight, but atp I've accepted that I'm a big girl and that's how its going to stay ( at least for now)
How do I approach men with confidence even though I'm plus size? What are some things I can say or do to improve my chances? Have any other plus size women tried to approach men? If so what was your experience? Should I actually try this or am I doomed to die alone?
7.Her question:
Dating as a high earning 25 year old black woman.
It’s so hard dating at this age and making a lot more money than the guys I date, I completely have grace for them and I understand it’s not normal for men my age to have money or success in their career I know it happens later in their lives. But it’s so hard, I feel like I’m being punished or they feel emasculated but I am doing everything but making them feel like that. How do I navigate the dating space ?
8.Her question:
I came to spend the night with my boyfriend and he just fell asleep
I'm so mad. This happened before too when he slept before me but this time we literally did nothing and he's snoring. I told him i don't want him to sleep. He told me if i give him a hand job he'll stay awake. I did and he slept mid hand-job. Like 3 minutes after i started. I feel like shit i just wanna go home but it's rude to go home now. I don't feel like sleeping and im bored. Wtf. At least he could spend some time with me. And the whole time he was awake he spent talking about another female friend that he has that he keep saying is super pretty and perfect in every way and how he adores her so much and trusts her more than anyone and then he just sleeps without even cuddling. We're also planning to go out with that girl tomorrow. Everything sucks, i just wanna go away from everything.
9.His question:
When dating, past relationships should never be brought up.
This is not a job interview. I don't need past history or experience. Let's focus on the present. And if your date keeps bringing up the past, it means there's a lot of unresolved issues. When a woman tells me she's happy she got out of her last toxic relationship, I am happy for her. But I don't want to turn our first date into a Dr. Phil episode.
9.Her question:
You guys will be SO CLOSE to s3x…BUT..
I gotta let the men know because although it’s most women’s saving grace it can be very frustrating to decide as a woman “you know what, it’s been awhile, he can get it😜” and YALL CANT EVEN PRETEND to be a gent or into us for 24 hours enough to seal the deal😩 it happens SOOO OFTEN. Some of us ladies WANT to do the horizontal tango but by the next day after exchanging numbers you’ve shown your arse and we can’t do anything with you anymore if we have even a modicum of self respect…what happened to the smooth talkers? 😅 lol yall crap talk ur way out of drawers more often than not. Smh do better. -frustrated
10.Her question:
Do men even like going on dates?
I’ve been single for a year and just got on dating apps. I quickly got so many matches, it’s quite overwhelming but… i don’t get any clear invitations to go on dates lol. Men write me stuff like “wanna go for a walk?” And then seem upset if i answer that im busy and i’d rather they plan a real date. Or they just ask me to come over (or even worst they try to invite themselves at my place). One of them even told me that taking a women out for diner was “pick me behavior”… 😂
I’m thinking i’ll just delete the apps but i’m curious, if you’re a guy on dating apps refusing to organise a real date, what’s your tough process? I really fail to understand. I like men who are willing to show me a certain amount of dedication, if not I don’t want to date. Don’t get me wrong some of them took me out like gentlemen but most of them really lost the art of seduction, what’s going on?
11.Her question:
Men, how disappointing is it for you to date or end up with a small chested woman?
I 23F look at my chest and I can’t even begin to imagine how disappointed any guy would be to end up with me.
We know that bigger is better and that the majority of guys prefer big boobs, I really struggle to cope with this but it’s the reality of the world we live in. Genetics wise, I pulled the short straw and it is what it is.
Having read many accounts of men being disappointed/unsatisfied with their SO’s small chest: men, how disappointing is it to date or end up in a relationship with a small chested woman?
Honesty is really important to me here, I just want to assess my chances before I risk putting myself out there and being hurt again, I’ve had very traumatic experiences with men because of my very small boobs. Having below average breasts in a breast obsessed world has caused me more anguish than you can imagine.
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12.Her question:
Not dating somebody based on their musical taste is just as shallow as you judging on weight or height.
I have been a professional musician and music educator since the 1980s. I play a bunch of different instruments and sing. I am still learning about my art and will continue to do so until I die. The more I learn about music, the less opinionated I get about music. And it is very perplexing to me that someone won’t date another person that has different musical taste. Musical taste, like all art, is fluid. I have learned to really love different genres just by opening my mind and opening my ears. It can be that easy. There is no logical reason to dislike a type of music based on genre alone. Many people, who don’t know much about the technical part of music, listen to music to suit their wardrobe. The country and western music fan will buy a Stetson hat and ostrich skin boots. The hip-hop fan will buy a Nike tracksuit and lots of gold bling. The hard rocker will sport a black leather jacket and have weird hair and piercings. The fashion, however, has nothing to do with the creation and enjoyment of that music. It blows my mind when people will reject someone who has different musical taste. People! Just open your ears and open your mind! If you like someone , I guarantee you can learn to like that music very easily.
13.His question:
Would you rather date a beautiful or educated woman?
***Lets say there are two women who are IDENTICAL in nearly every single way. Same good honest person, same personality, etc.
One is beautiful, clear skin, nice hair, toned body, dresses nice, but just works a normal job.
The second woman is average looking, decent still to look at, and still takes care of herself, but nothing exceptional. She has a good education and a good job to go with.
What do you choose?
14 . Her question:
Friends won’t stop bringing up my bf has a big dick
Seeking perspective on this because I don’t know how to feel about it. Friends of my bf won’t stop making jokes or saying my bfs penis is big all the time. All of the times I hanged out with them is them being mean to each other and then referring to this shouting. Once we got both of our friend groups together and mine were a bit confused/ uncomfortable by them.
He has a username on socials referring to his big dick
When we met he told me he got scammed by sending some nudes on tinder to a fake profile and this person made a group with a bunch of people he knew and send those to it.
The fact that I’m uncomfortable by this is a me problem?
15.Her thoughts:
Men you have to learn to read body language
This is the #1 difference I’ve noticed between men who are good at creating chemistry and those who suck at it. Game/no game.
Lots of guys seem to think women work like a math equation. A+B=C. We don’t.
Or that it’s about looks and money. It’s not.
We are all complex and different and what turns women on is often contextual and it varies greatly from woman to woman. If you figure that out, maybe you’ll stop getting so frustrated.
There are no magic words or magic phrases.
Just like with comedy, timing is everything.
A hand on the leg can be a turn on, a turn off, or assault depending on the relationship, the context and the execution. Same action, very different results.
And a huge part of this is reading body language.
A lot of men are afraid to even try because they are worried women are “just being polite”. This is a fair worry. Women are conditioned to be polite, and to be people pleasers and we are often afraid of the repercussions for outrightly rejecting someone. (Also even if we aren’t afraid rejecting someone is always awkward and hard. Most people hate doing it.)
You have to learn the difference between politeness and enthusiasm. The cues are there if you learn to tune in.
This is also the time to talk about consent. I find that the conversations around consent often revolve around verbal consent. But consent needs to be ENTHUSIASTIC, for it to be real consent. And how do you tell that? Through a mix of body language and verbal cues.
You can ask a girl to hold her hand and she can say yes.
But is she stroking your hand with her thumb while she holds it? Maintaining eye contact, smiling, laughing, being playful? Is her body language relaxed and open? Does she look comfortable? Or is she tense or shut down? Or is she letting her hand hang there like a limp fish? Or Is she trying to pull her hand away but you take that as a sign to squeeze it harder? (You may think that’s a joke but it happened to me on a date tonight).
Some men seem to instinctually understand this. They read cues and know when to escalate and when to back off.
Others don’t seem to get it no matter what.
EDIT: I’m gonna give examples because maybe it will help some to understand.
2 men. Let’s call one Frank and one Bert. That’s not their real names but they were equally good looking. Bert was richer by a lot compared to Frank.
So Frank and I go on a date. It’s a bit awkward to start. He innocuously asks to see my nails which I just got done that day. So I show them. He gives them a compliment and uses this opportunity to hold my hand. Then gives me a teasing kind of smile like “oh look we are holding hands now”. I didn’t pull my hand away and I blushed. The way he did it was charming. I make a joke about how he didn’t care about my nails he just wanted to hold my hand. And he was like “well who wouldn’t”. I crinkle up my nose cause I don’t want to smile at something so cheesy but I like it and I’m blushing in spite of myself. He makes fun of me for that and knows that I liked the moment. Then later as we are talking he started to stroke my arm, again I like it and he clocks it. This escalated to later in the date when we started to play pool with him giving me playful touches on the arm, then to him pulling me in for a kiss, to us making out.
I went home with him and we had a great time, he made me feel comfortable at every step but he never had to ask to kiss me or anything.
Contrast this to Bert. He picks me up for our date and comes to the door. (This is not our first date and we have kissed before but not had sex) He grabs my face and kisses me as I’m distracted gathering my things before leaving. There was no cue from me and no eye contact before hand and this was not our rapport. I was caught off guard. I let it happen but it felt strange. He says “there, I just wanted to get that out of the way” which is how the kiss felt. It felt forced. Not romantic. Not playful. Checking off the boxes.
On the way to the cocktail bar he reaches over and grabs my hand. Again not based off of any cue from me or our conversation. It felt like a “this is what I should do”. My body was stiff and I felt myself getting uncomfortable, I start to pull my hand gently away and he doesn’t let my hand go, he holds it harder which makes me want to hold his hand less. I start to feel more uncomfortable but it feels like it would be a violent act to pull my hand completely away. I still have to spend the evening with this guy. I’m sure you can already tell tho I did not sleep with Bert.
We call this difference chemistry.
I have tons of examples of guys like Bert. They have their agenda that they want to follow through on. It’s as if they don’t even see how it lands on me. It’s not attractive. Men like Frank are.