I can't sleep

July 2020

My second died from a short, fast hard battle of cancer

He died in my arms

No, matter what our marriage was
The good the bad

I loved him

I hated him

And when he died, I came home. And I got in the bed. And I stayed for 3 years

During this time, I became a almost catatonic

I was unable to speak. I was unable to feed myself.

Somehow, I managed to get up and go to the doctor and I managed to go to the grocery store.But I don't even remember doing that

I remember thinking I was dead.But being very aware that I wasn't dead and I was like, wow, so this is what death feels like

It was cold numb alone

I should have been scared but I wasn't because I couldn't feel anything

I was tested for heartbreak syndrome and diagnosed with that

I was actually tested for early onset.Dementia and diagnosed with that

My doctors were on the point of putting me in an institution

And then I woke up

Slowly.
Minute by minute
Hell it was second by second
I put me back together
There's still so much more work to do
But i'm working

There are days I wanna cry.I say life's not fair

Fuck it isn't

I'm not going to tell you every detail of my story

But needless to say, I should be a junkie under a bridge with the rubber band tied around my arm.And a needle hanging out of it

I am beyond blessed

My life could have made me hard and bitter.But it didn't

Yes i'm f** clingy and needy

Well, let me f** tell you something.If you had been through one third of what I had been through, you'd probably be that way too

So I don't want any more d* comments.I might be being f**** needy or clingy

Everyone needs someone

And i'm really basically alone

Remember we were all people here

Some have you have had easy lives

You were love and nurtured as a baby throughout your life

Some of you were raised with the silver spoon

& never wanted for anything

That just means you were lucky sweetie

dontbehind the screen and judge other people

Most people only show the better part of themselves here

How many people show a real accurate portrayal of who they are

Some people are quiet and don't say much

And some people talk too d*** much, that's me

Be kind really does it hurt anyone